Well, I did it. I finally came to the decision to move. As with my other blog, I have decided to switch over to Wordpress. I imported all the posts in this blog over to Wordpress, and will continue to write new posts there.
Here is the new site:
www.keeeeeene.wordpress.com
Bless and be blessed!
August 29, 2011
August 28, 2011
Smackerel for Thought
Alright... I know this may sound weird... but lately I've been reading the 'Winnie the Pooh' series. I am currently on the second book [of four], The House at Pooh Corner. Unlike most books - which I tend to devour within a couple or few hours of starting - I have been reading a chapter a day. I don't know what made me begin. I was putting something in our hallway walk-in closet and I noticed the set of books at the front edge of a shelf. I had never read them before, so I figured, 'Why not?!' I always liked watching Winnie the Pooh shows and sing-alongs as a girl. I particularly liked Eeyore, I must say. Poor guy. But wow... in the books, he's not merely down in the dumps - he's really quite rude, as well!
Mmm, tangent...
SO. I greatly enjoyed the first book, and am almost done with the second; I have two chapters left. It's been really great to read the scenes that I can so clearly remember watching in my younger years. The author, A. A. Milne, is actually quite brilliant. There are all sorts of things in the stories that honestly, only adults would 'get' as they read through. I love that kind of thing, not gonna lie.
So today, I was reading chapter eight of the second book: "Piglet Does a Very Grand Thing". Oh, little Piglet... who doesn't just love him? Too cute. Anyway, there were two passages that really struck me, though, that I would like to share:
' "Let's go and see everybody," said Pooh. "Because when you've been walking in the wind for miles, and you suddenly go into somebody's house, and he says, 'Hallo, Pooh, you're just in time for a little smackerel of something,' and you are, then it's what I call a Friendly Day."
Piglet thought that they ought to have a Reason for going to see everybody, like Looking for Small or Organizing an Expotition, if Pooh could think of something.
Pooh could.
"We'll go because it's Thursday," he said, "and we'll go to wish everybody a Very Happy Thursday. Come on, Piglet." '
Hm. First of all, yes: 'Expotition' is correct. Secondly, think about it: Going because... well, just because. Isn't that grand? ' "... because it's Thursday." ' ! Imagine if we regularly did such a thing. Doing a kind thing... just because. Visiting someone... just because. Loving others... JUST BECAUSE.
... Okay, and because it's commanded of us by our Lord God.
The second passage:
' ... so they pushed on to Rabbit's as quickly as they could.
" We've come to wish you a Very Happy Thursday," said Pooh, when he had gone in and out once or twice just to make sure that he could get out again.
"Why, what's going to happen on Thursday?" asked Rabbit, and when Pooh had explained, and Rabbit, whose life was made up of Important Things, said, "Oh, I thought you'd really come about something," they sat down for a little... and by-and-by Pooh and Piglet went on again. The wind was behind them now, so they didn't have to shout.
"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything." '
Previously in the books, there have been a few comments on how Pooh and Piglet only have 'Fluff', and no brain. But it was never mentioned in a way that leads to thinking of this as a belittling characteristic. It's simply how it is. But man oh man... that last line just about killed me! At first I let out a sound of disbelief, which turned into something more like exasperation... and then I simply laughed and laughed. Sometimes don't you feel that the more you know, the less something seems to matter... or the less you truly understand? I think that often we want to make things too complicated. Too complex. We always have to put meaning behind something. Why can't we settle for something that simply... is? Why can't we just let things be?
Mmm, tangent...
SO. I greatly enjoyed the first book, and am almost done with the second; I have two chapters left. It's been really great to read the scenes that I can so clearly remember watching in my younger years. The author, A. A. Milne, is actually quite brilliant. There are all sorts of things in the stories that honestly, only adults would 'get' as they read through. I love that kind of thing, not gonna lie.
So today, I was reading chapter eight of the second book: "Piglet Does a Very Grand Thing". Oh, little Piglet... who doesn't just love him? Too cute. Anyway, there were two passages that really struck me, though, that I would like to share:
' "Let's go and see everybody," said Pooh. "Because when you've been walking in the wind for miles, and you suddenly go into somebody's house, and he says, 'Hallo, Pooh, you're just in time for a little smackerel of something,' and you are, then it's what I call a Friendly Day."
Piglet thought that they ought to have a Reason for going to see everybody, like Looking for Small or Organizing an Expotition, if Pooh could think of something.
Pooh could.
"We'll go because it's Thursday," he said, "and we'll go to wish everybody a Very Happy Thursday. Come on, Piglet." '
Hm. First of all, yes: 'Expotition' is correct. Secondly, think about it: Going because... well, just because. Isn't that grand? ' "... because it's Thursday." ' ! Imagine if we regularly did such a thing. Doing a kind thing... just because. Visiting someone... just because. Loving others... JUST BECAUSE.
... Okay, and because it's commanded of us by our Lord God.
The second passage:
' ... so they pushed on to Rabbit's as quickly as they could.
" We've come to wish you a Very Happy Thursday," said Pooh, when he had gone in and out once or twice just to make sure that he could get out again.
"Why, what's going to happen on Thursday?" asked Rabbit, and when Pooh had explained, and Rabbit, whose life was made up of Important Things, said, "Oh, I thought you'd really come about something," they sat down for a little... and by-and-by Pooh and Piglet went on again. The wind was behind them now, so they didn't have to shout.
"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything." '
Previously in the books, there have been a few comments on how Pooh and Piglet only have 'Fluff', and no brain. But it was never mentioned in a way that leads to thinking of this as a belittling characteristic. It's simply how it is. But man oh man... that last line just about killed me! At first I let out a sound of disbelief, which turned into something more like exasperation... and then I simply laughed and laughed. Sometimes don't you feel that the more you know, the less something seems to matter... or the less you truly understand? I think that often we want to make things too complicated. Too complex. We always have to put meaning behind something. Why can't we settle for something that simply... is? Why can't we just let things be?
August 15, 2011
July 19, 2011
Just for the record...
I love work this summer.
I am a lead counselor of a YMCA day camp.
I am the lifeguard for a day camp for kids with special needs.
My new favorite thing to do: work out at the downtown YMCA at five in the morning.
[And no, it's not crazy, because I have to be at work between 6:15-6:30 anyway.]
My other favorite thing to do: rollerblade on the Cedar Valley Trail.
I can't wait to go to the driving range with my brother tomorrow after work.
I last spent time at a driving range during my sophomore year of high school.
I was on the golf team that spring for, count 'em, two weeks.
Then I got a lead part in the school's play, and decided I'd much rather act than golf.
I wish I had more time to spend at the prayer room in town.
They have a fantastic collection of books I'd like to browse through.
And I haven't been to one of their services since last summer.
Lately, my most-listened-to song is I Exalt Thee, sung by Jesus Culture.
I'm also more than partial to Home, sung by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros.
... As well as [not gonna lie] The Edge of Glory, sung by Lady GaGa.
I think Iowans are a bunch of whiny babies when it comes to heat and/or humidity.
The only part of me crying out against it is my hair.
I feel like rearranging my room.
I want to take a coast-to-coast roadtrip.
I am super excited for my internship to start this fall.
Ahem, I just wish the ministry leaders I'll be working with would actually set up our meeting times like they are supposed to have been doing... just saying.
Man oh man, I can't wait to buy a bulldog.
I sure hope my brother finishes up practicing trumpet in the next 28 minutes.
[Bedtime is now at 8:30.]
Lately I've felt as if the world is calling my name.
I am a lead counselor of a YMCA day camp.
I am the lifeguard for a day camp for kids with special needs.
My new favorite thing to do: work out at the downtown YMCA at five in the morning.
[And no, it's not crazy, because I have to be at work between 6:15-6:30 anyway.]
My other favorite thing to do: rollerblade on the Cedar Valley Trail.
I can't wait to go to the driving range with my brother tomorrow after work.
I last spent time at a driving range during my sophomore year of high school.
I was on the golf team that spring for, count 'em, two weeks.
Then I got a lead part in the school's play, and decided I'd much rather act than golf.
I wish I had more time to spend at the prayer room in town.
They have a fantastic collection of books I'd like to browse through.
And I haven't been to one of their services since last summer.
Lately, my most-listened-to song is I Exalt Thee, sung by Jesus Culture.
I'm also more than partial to Home, sung by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros.
... As well as [not gonna lie] The Edge of Glory, sung by Lady GaGa.
I think Iowans are a bunch of whiny babies when it comes to heat and/or humidity.
The only part of me crying out against it is my hair.
I feel like rearranging my room.
I want to take a coast-to-coast roadtrip.
I am super excited for my internship to start this fall.
Ahem, I just wish the ministry leaders I'll be working with would actually set up our meeting times like they are supposed to have been doing... just saying.
Man oh man, I can't wait to buy a bulldog.
I sure hope my brother finishes up practicing trumpet in the next 28 minutes.
[Bedtime is now at 8:30.]
Lately I've felt as if the world is calling my name.
June 30, 2011
......
"Words can't express..." - but do I even try?
Or am I afraid of failing this test?
After all, I am fed lie after lie.
But how can I fail, when my Judge is Love?
[OKAY. So as I was writing this, I received a call. The number was from California, and I was curious, so I picked it up. As soon as the other end replied to my 'Hello?', I knew who it was. His name is Ahmed, and he is a member of the Islamic Center of Los Angeles. We have chatted once before, back in January... long story short, I had requested a Qur'an, because I had thrown all mine away at one point. And so the ICoLA sent me one, and it his job to follow-up with the peole who requested Qur'ans. That night we ended up talking for about three hours! Tonight, only 45 minutes. But still, I have really enjoyed talking with him. He is very kind and respectful. He's just doing his job, really, to be a messenger of what he believes to be true. And so am I - which he finds fascinating, and is appreciative of. So really we just talk about our faiths and journeys that God is taking us on. Really neat. But throughout our conversation tonight I kept finding myself thinking, 'I need to pray. I need to pray with him.' I almost didn't get to. But then I interjected towards the end of our conversation with a request to do so. And he gladly accepted. That was so neat. Of course, then he reciprocated with his "own" prayer, al-Fatiha - which is the first chapter in the Qur'an. He said it in English, but as soon as he said the first two lines I knew what it was. Ha. But still, I'm glad we could do that. So if you could please pray for Ahmed, that his mind and heart would be opened to the Truth of Jesus Christ, I would greatly appreciate your doing so!]
And now, it's 50 minutes past my bedtime.
Thus, I shall finish my... whatever it is... later, insha'allah.
Ha! Arabic mode, now that I've talked with Ahmed.
[For those of you who don't know, insha'allah means 'God-willing'.]
Or am I afraid of failing this test?
After all, I am fed lie after lie.
But how can I fail, when my Judge is Love?
[OKAY. So as I was writing this, I received a call. The number was from California, and I was curious, so I picked it up. As soon as the other end replied to my 'Hello?', I knew who it was. His name is Ahmed, and he is a member of the Islamic Center of Los Angeles. We have chatted once before, back in January... long story short, I had requested a Qur'an, because I had thrown all mine away at one point. And so the ICoLA sent me one, and it his job to follow-up with the peole who requested Qur'ans. That night we ended up talking for about three hours! Tonight, only 45 minutes. But still, I have really enjoyed talking with him. He is very kind and respectful. He's just doing his job, really, to be a messenger of what he believes to be true. And so am I - which he finds fascinating, and is appreciative of. So really we just talk about our faiths and journeys that God is taking us on. Really neat. But throughout our conversation tonight I kept finding myself thinking, 'I need to pray. I need to pray with him.' I almost didn't get to. But then I interjected towards the end of our conversation with a request to do so. And he gladly accepted. That was so neat. Of course, then he reciprocated with his "own" prayer, al-Fatiha - which is the first chapter in the Qur'an. He said it in English, but as soon as he said the first two lines I knew what it was. Ha. But still, I'm glad we could do that. So if you could please pray for Ahmed, that his mind and heart would be opened to the Truth of Jesus Christ, I would greatly appreciate your doing so!]
And now, it's 50 minutes past my bedtime.
Thus, I shall finish my... whatever it is... later, insha'allah.
Ha! Arabic mode, now that I've talked with Ahmed.
[For those of you who don't know, insha'allah means 'God-willing'.]
June 1, 2011
May 24, 2011
România
Romanian children.
Why can't I stop thinking about them?
I see their faces in my mind.
Shining faces and dirty faces.
Faces wearing tears and faces wearing grins.
Faces of orphans.
Faces of gypsies.
They are all beautiful.
Sadly, these faces have been merely collected from photographs on the internet.
Sigh.
But... one day...
One day, I shall be able to put names to these faces.
One day, I shall greet these children and hug them.
I will laugh with them.
I will listen to them.
I will dry their tears.
[And probably cry more than a few of my own.]
I will read to them.
I will sing to them.
I will play games with them.
I will share Christ with them.
I will love them.
Romanian children.
Why can't I stop thinking about them?
Why can't I stop thinking about them?
I see their faces in my mind.
Shining faces and dirty faces.
Faces wearing tears and faces wearing grins.
Faces of orphans.
Faces of gypsies.
They are all beautiful.
Sadly, these faces have been merely collected from photographs on the internet.
Sigh.
But... one day...
One day, I shall be able to put names to these faces.
One day, I shall greet these children and hug them.
I will laugh with them.
I will listen to them.
I will dry their tears.
[And probably cry more than a few of my own.]
I will read to them.
I will sing to them.
I will play games with them.
I will share Christ with them.
I will love them.
Romanian children.
Why can't I stop thinking about them?
May 10, 2011
May 9, 2011
Self-Diagnosis
I hate technology.
WebMD's got me freaking out.
Can't wait to get home
Four more days.
WebMD's got me freaking out.
Can't wait to get home
Four more days.
April 28, 2011
Strive for growth.
Don't we realize not everybody knows
the good news that is Jesus Christ?
I suppose I need to find
a different way to shed the Light.
...
For there are people here who are mislead and confused,
uncared for, abandoned, broken, abused.
And I know they could really use some good news.
...
You see, there's a hope and a joy,
a true love that saves.
A love that is with us all of our days.
...
So I must strive to let them see
the Power that's in me.
Through my faith and my deeds
I shall plant seeds
which will grow into something precious.
Something more precious than all our needs.
the good news that is Jesus Christ?
I suppose I need to find
a different way to shed the Light.
...
For there are people here who are mislead and confused,
uncared for, abandoned, broken, abused.
And I know they could really use some good news.
...
You see, there's a hope and a joy,
a true love that saves.
A love that is with us all of our days.
...
So I must strive to let them see
the Power that's in me.
Through my faith and my deeds
I shall plant seeds
which will grow into something precious.
Something more precious than all our needs.
April 27, 2011
Streaming
We are loved and forgiven, so that we can love.
But I find myself thinking, 'I need more from above;
what I have is not enough.
O' God, my God, I've got it rough.'
Not true!
I'm His joy, His delight, and so are you.
But I can't tell you what to do
with that love from above.
It's a question of purpose; I ask it, too.
Seek out His will and you will be used.
His name is to be known, not said in vain, misused.
So obey Him always, follow His command.
Love as you are loved, and take a stand.
Or do you have anything to take a stand for?
Do you believe, or do you ask for more?
"More signs, more wonders - and healings, too, please.
I'll do anything to see them - even beg upon my knees!"
But why do you need these?
What good will they do?
Can't you accept that God died for you?
Read His word, understand, and come to see:
that His love is enough, for you and for me.
But I find myself thinking, 'I need more from above;
what I have is not enough.
O' God, my God, I've got it rough.'
Not true!
I'm His joy, His delight, and so are you.
But I can't tell you what to do
with that love from above.
It's a question of purpose; I ask it, too.
Seek out His will and you will be used.
His name is to be known, not said in vain, misused.
So obey Him always, follow His command.
Love as you are loved, and take a stand.
Or do you have anything to take a stand for?
Do you believe, or do you ask for more?
"More signs, more wonders - and healings, too, please.
I'll do anything to see them - even beg upon my knees!"
But why do you need these?
What good will they do?
Can't you accept that God died for you?
Read His word, understand, and come to see:
that His love is enough, for you and for me.
April 19, 2011
Anthem
My hope is in the One who has set me free,
and with His love won me to His side.
And it is there I abide with peace and joy,
it is there I am content and satisfied.
For who else can say they died for me?
And who else can say they love perfectly?
Only the one, true King.
The spotless Lamb, the Son of Man,
Who by His blood gave me everything.
He took my sin upon the cross;
and now I count the world as loss
since I gained what matters by living in Him.
So He is worthy of praise,
all of my days - both in this life and the next.
And I will gladly take on any test of temptation and sin,
pressing on to win the prize.
I pray one day I'll see His eyes and hear,
"My beloved... you've done well, My dear."
Gone will be all tears and all fear,
replaced with the joy of His glory.
We will give praise to the Star of the redemption story,
not knowing what else to do.
... Or perhaps unable to do anything but say,
"All honor and power and glory to You!"
and with His love won me to His side.
And it is there I abide with peace and joy,
it is there I am content and satisfied.
For who else can say they died for me?
And who else can say they love perfectly?
Only the one, true King.
The spotless Lamb, the Son of Man,
Who by His blood gave me everything.
He took my sin upon the cross;
and now I count the world as loss
since I gained what matters by living in Him.
So He is worthy of praise,
all of my days - both in this life and the next.
And I will gladly take on any test of temptation and sin,
pressing on to win the prize.
I pray one day I'll see His eyes and hear,
"My beloved... you've done well, My dear."
Gone will be all tears and all fear,
replaced with the joy of His glory.
We will give praise to the Star of the redemption story,
not knowing what else to do.
... Or perhaps unable to do anything but say,
"All honor and power and glory to You!"
April 18, 2011
Reason to Rejoice
"Death, where is your sting?
Grave, where is your victory?"
[Cory Asbury and Laura Hackett's He's Alive]
These things have been defeated by the power of God and His Son's resurrection. Hallelujah! We have reason to rejoice with greatest praise for our Lord God. He reigns with love and justice and compassion. Although He is a jealous God, He is merciful and gracious. Can we truly begin to fathom His greatness? Will we ever be able to fully give Him the praise and thanksgiving that He deserves? I mean, how can it be... that the King of the universe desires to have an intimate and fulfilling relationship with me? Oh, how blessed I am. I am no one special. And yet I am a daughter of God. Beloved. Treasured. Bought with a price: the blood of the Lamb. HE IS ALIVE!
... And now, so am I.
Grave, where is your victory?"
[Cory Asbury and Laura Hackett's He's Alive]
These things have been defeated by the power of God and His Son's resurrection. Hallelujah! We have reason to rejoice with greatest praise for our Lord God. He reigns with love and justice and compassion. Although He is a jealous God, He is merciful and gracious. Can we truly begin to fathom His greatness? Will we ever be able to fully give Him the praise and thanksgiving that He deserves? I mean, how can it be... that the King of the universe desires to have an intimate and fulfilling relationship with me? Oh, how blessed I am. I am no one special. And yet I am a daughter of God. Beloved. Treasured. Bought with a price: the blood of the Lamb. HE IS ALIVE!
... And now, so am I.
April 14, 2011
Answer
I have been thinking about... the world ... lately.
And specific nations, naturally.
Syria.
Romania.
Mexico.
... "I never want to go to Mexico - ever!"
Thus, I never saw that coming - and a handful of people can attest to this!
Japan.
Thailand.
And very specifically, India.
I have been made aware of an interesting opportunity in India after I graduate next year. So I was thinking and praying about it last night, mulling this opportunity over.
'India... India... hm. India.'
Suddenly, words just came streaming across the forefront of my mind. And so I picked up a pen and started scribbling furiously, trying to keep up with, well, myself. As the words slowed down, I put my pen down and took a deep breath. Then I slowly read over what I had written:
India, India, hear the Father’s call...
to leave behind your idols, and sit in His banquet hall.
India, India, do you know how you are loved?
Think of the gracious Father, looking down from high above.
India, India, dispel the dark and your fear.
The kingdom of the Living God is drawing ever near.
India, India, rise up from the systems and chains.
Turn to Hope, turn to Joy, be healed of all your pains.
India, India, step into the Light.
Because of His great love you will be rescued from all plight.
India, India, you can have eternal life.
Confess, repent, be baptized – put on love, not strife.
India, India, your time has truly come.
Can you hear the rhythm of the Lion of Judah’s drum?
He yearns for you, He knows you by name.
He desires for all the world to proclaim:
that He is God, the Lord of all.
India, India, do you hear His call?
A friend pointed out that truly, you could substitute any nation - or person - in place of the word 'India'. But I love knowing that God gave me these words as I was praying about India and her people. It is my earnest prayer that one day, these people - loved by my Lord God - will, indeed, answer His call and know Him as I do.
And specific nations, naturally.
Syria.
Romania.
Mexico.
... "I never want to go to Mexico - ever!"
Thus, I never saw that coming - and a handful of people can attest to this!
Japan.
Thailand.
And very specifically, India.
I have been made aware of an interesting opportunity in India after I graduate next year. So I was thinking and praying about it last night, mulling this opportunity over.
'India... India... hm. India.'
Suddenly, words just came streaming across the forefront of my mind. And so I picked up a pen and started scribbling furiously, trying to keep up with, well, myself. As the words slowed down, I put my pen down and took a deep breath. Then I slowly read over what I had written:
India, India, hear the Father’s call...
to leave behind your idols, and sit in His banquet hall.
India, India, do you know how you are loved?
Think of the gracious Father, looking down from high above.
India, India, dispel the dark and your fear.
The kingdom of the Living God is drawing ever near.
India, India, rise up from the systems and chains.
Turn to Hope, turn to Joy, be healed of all your pains.
India, India, step into the Light.
Because of His great love you will be rescued from all plight.
India, India, you can have eternal life.
Confess, repent, be baptized – put on love, not strife.
India, India, your time has truly come.
Can you hear the rhythm of the Lion of Judah’s drum?
He yearns for you, He knows you by name.
He desires for all the world to proclaim:
that He is God, the Lord of all.
India, India, do you hear His call?
A friend pointed out that truly, you could substitute any nation - or person - in place of the word 'India'. But I love knowing that God gave me these words as I was praying about India and her people. It is my earnest prayer that one day, these people - loved by my Lord God - will, indeed, answer His call and know Him as I do.
April 13, 2011
Look. See?
I think we need to be careful that our desire for uniformity doesn't come across as a desire to control.
I feel it causes people to wonder, 'What in their lives do they feel they cannot control so as to have the urge [need] to control the actions of others?'
I also believe that sometimes we don't realize the effect[s] our personalities have on people. I mean, we intimidate. We scare. We motivate. We inspire. We bring down. We lift up. It's very interesting to think about just how very different God has made each of His children. His doing so is good. His doing so is beautiful. Because He is good, and He is beautiful.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of these things when I find myself questioning people... especially the "why" questions regarding their actions and motives. It doesn't matter. Everyone is a child of God, and beloved by Him. And who am I to judge? What I think, what I believe, what I am oh-so-convinced about, does not matter.
I am tired of glancing.
I am tired of skimming.
I am tired of merely looking.
I want to truly see what God sees.
Open my eyes, Lord God.
I feel it causes people to wonder, 'What in their lives do they feel they cannot control so as to have the urge [need] to control the actions of others?'
I also believe that sometimes we don't realize the effect[s] our personalities have on people. I mean, we intimidate. We scare. We motivate. We inspire. We bring down. We lift up. It's very interesting to think about just how very different God has made each of His children. His doing so is good. His doing so is beautiful. Because He is good, and He is beautiful.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of these things when I find myself questioning people... especially the "why" questions regarding their actions and motives. It doesn't matter. Everyone is a child of God, and beloved by Him. And who am I to judge? What I think, what I believe, what I am oh-so-convinced about, does not matter.
I am tired of glancing.
I am tired of skimming.
I am tired of merely looking.
I want to truly see what God sees.
Open my eyes, Lord God.
April 9, 2011
Lifeguard
I am a lifeguard at the YMCA located in Moberly, Missouri.
I really have a love-hate relationship with my job, though.
We call the pool "ghetto".
I have a kind, but scatter-brained supervisor.
And my co-workers tend to be lazy and messy.
But overall, I enjoy working at the Y.
I simply love lifeguarding.
I really do.
......
This morning a grandfather came in with his three granddaughters.
They're Saturday morning regulars.
So I knew what to expect with them.
The grandfather. Kind. Caring. Jolly, you could say.
Strapping flotation devices on.
Keeping an eye on the older two girls.
Holding the youngest, between 12 and 18 months old.
He catches her as she jumps in.
Supports her as she leans back in his arms, dipping her head into the water.
He never lets the older girls out of his sight, nor the youngest out of reach.
At one point, he let the youngest walk along the gutter at the pool edge... one hand behind her back, one hand in front of her... thus allowing her to 'freely' walk, but ready to provide guidance or stability if needed.
I couldn't help but think about God and His children as I watched the four of them. I feel that God is our Precautionary Ensurer, guaranteeing our well-being and always looking out for us. I must say that I feel pretty great living my life, knowing that the Lord God is my Lifeguard.
......
Safety.
Protection.
I love the responsibility of lifeguarding. And I like seeing others enjoy the water, whether for fun or fitness. I have always been a fish, for the most part. My family likes to remind me that when we lived in Alabama and swam in my gramma and papa's pool, I was always "the first one in, last one out." That is, once I had realized that I could touch the bottom of the pool. Before that, I would more often than not cling to the edge.
The smell of chlorine is so comforting to me. And I appreciate the way light coming in from the windows reflects off the water. Gentle ripples stem from bodies in the pool, creating an ever-changing pattern on the surface. Simple movement. Resounding giggles. The repetition of a lap swimmer, going back and forth... back and forth.
Familiar, yet always different.
I love it.
Lifeguarding truly is a significant facet of my life. True, it can be boring at times. And I don't have the most 'on top of things' supervisor or tidy and careful co-workers... But I do attempt to make the best of things.
I am blessed.
I really have a love-hate relationship with my job, though.
We call the pool "ghetto".
I have a kind, but scatter-brained supervisor.
And my co-workers tend to be lazy and messy.
But overall, I enjoy working at the Y.
I simply love lifeguarding.
I really do.
......
This morning a grandfather came in with his three granddaughters.
They're Saturday morning regulars.
So I knew what to expect with them.
The grandfather. Kind. Caring. Jolly, you could say.
Strapping flotation devices on.
Keeping an eye on the older two girls.
Holding the youngest, between 12 and 18 months old.
He catches her as she jumps in.
Supports her as she leans back in his arms, dipping her head into the water.
He never lets the older girls out of his sight, nor the youngest out of reach.
At one point, he let the youngest walk along the gutter at the pool edge... one hand behind her back, one hand in front of her... thus allowing her to 'freely' walk, but ready to provide guidance or stability if needed.
I couldn't help but think about God and His children as I watched the four of them. I feel that God is our Precautionary Ensurer, guaranteeing our well-being and always looking out for us. I must say that I feel pretty great living my life, knowing that the Lord God is my Lifeguard.
......
Safety.
Protection.
I love the responsibility of lifeguarding. And I like seeing others enjoy the water, whether for fun or fitness. I have always been a fish, for the most part. My family likes to remind me that when we lived in Alabama and swam in my gramma and papa's pool, I was always "the first one in, last one out." That is, once I had realized that I could touch the bottom of the pool. Before that, I would more often than not cling to the edge.
The smell of chlorine is so comforting to me. And I appreciate the way light coming in from the windows reflects off the water. Gentle ripples stem from bodies in the pool, creating an ever-changing pattern on the surface. Simple movement. Resounding giggles. The repetition of a lap swimmer, going back and forth... back and forth.
Familiar, yet always different.
I love it.
Lifeguarding truly is a significant facet of my life. True, it can be boring at times. And I don't have the most 'on top of things' supervisor or tidy and careful co-workers... But I do attempt to make the best of things.
I am blessed.
April 6, 2011
Time, time, is ticking by...
[My title comes from a Misty Edwards song, titled As In the Days of Noah.]
Time truly does fly by.
I will be twenty-two in one month and four days.
I have lived for 262.9 months.
That's 1,143 weeks.
8,001 days.
Hm.
That's a lot of days.
... Though at the same time, it's not.
Anyway.
What have I done in that time?
School.
Worked.
Vacations.
Sporting events and competitions.
Plays and musicals and band events.
Hung out.
Made friends.
Lost friends.
Moved to three states.
Driven thousands of miles.
Washed and dried dozens of laundry loads.
Hours of sleep have been needed and then appreciated.
I have given thousands of hugs.
Numerous speeches have been prepared and presented.
I have run and swum hundreds of miles.
Songs have been sung and resung, over and over and over and over.
... Etc.
But have any of these things bettered the kingdom of God?
No.
Sad, but true.
So what if I'm not an extroverted, outspoken evangelist?
Or not a servant-oriented type of person?
Or not an anointed worship leader?
I mean, I know better.
I know where my strengths lie, and what my skills and gifts are.
And I should know by now how I can use them to serve my Lord God and benefit His heavenly kingdom... but I don't truly have a full understanding of where He desires me, or what He wants me to be doing.
I can't help but think that there's something not... right. Something that is hindering me from gaining that understanding, that knowledge.
So what's wrong?
What's missing?
How can I make a difference?
Where do I truly belong?
Time truly does fly by.
I will be twenty-two in one month and four days.
I have lived for 262.9 months.
That's 1,143 weeks.
8,001 days.
Hm.
That's a lot of days.
... Though at the same time, it's not.
Anyway.
What have I done in that time?
School.
Worked.
Vacations.
Sporting events and competitions.
Plays and musicals and band events.
Hung out.
Made friends.
Lost friends.
Moved to three states.
Driven thousands of miles.
Washed and dried dozens of laundry loads.
Hours of sleep have been needed and then appreciated.
I have given thousands of hugs.
Numerous speeches have been prepared and presented.
I have run and swum hundreds of miles.
Songs have been sung and resung, over and over and over and over.
... Etc.
But have any of these things bettered the kingdom of God?
No.
Sad, but true.
So what if I'm not an extroverted, outspoken evangelist?
Or not a servant-oriented type of person?
Or not an anointed worship leader?
I mean, I know better.
I know where my strengths lie, and what my skills and gifts are.
And I should know by now how I can use them to serve my Lord God and benefit His heavenly kingdom... but I don't truly have a full understanding of where He desires me, or what He wants me to be doing.
I can't help but think that there's something not... right. Something that is hindering me from gaining that understanding, that knowledge.
So what's wrong?
What's missing?
How can I make a difference?
Where do I truly belong?
April 5, 2011
Just... be.
I haven't been able to be at Queen City as a sponsor the past three Sundays. My friend Jordan, the youth pastor, has told me that the kids have missed me.
Two days ago my friend and RA, Jenn, asked me to take her to a clinic and then later the hospital due to a terrible reaction to poison ivy.
I don't often feel needed or wanted.
So these... situations... have been encouraging.
I didn't like the circumstances surrounding each situation, of course.
But I'm glad that things played out the way they did.
Yet after some thinking... I can't decide if I am pleased, or saddened, by these things. This is basically the first time I've truly - wholeheartedly, honestly - felt needed/wanted since I've been at CCCB. For something other than selfish gain or motivation, that is... Or where I was asked to do something by another, not out of haste, or because someone else backed down and I was in the right place at the right time.
And I mean, I haven't even really done anything for the youth group, and didn't really "do" anything for Jenn. I've just sort of... been there... for said people. Which, I suppose, is good. It is. And sometimes... that's all that is truly needed... being with someone. Simply sitting with another can be... powerful. Moving. Meaningful. It says a lot, I think, in letting the other person know that you "are there for them". That you desire to be of help, of service, if necessary. That you are available to answer questions, discuss something, pray, laugh, praise God with them... and that is good.
So why am I dissatisfied?
Why can't I be content with this feeling?
Why isn't it enough?
Or not good enough?
Do I not fully believe that God can use me in this way?
Do I not really appreciate what God has given me in regards to patience and the ability to listen? Are these things not gifts?
They are good.
And good can come from my "using" them.
I need to trust.
Trust more.
Trust that God can and will use me to serve His people.
His Kingdom.
Trust that I actually do matter more than I think I do.
Trust that my presence - my simply "being there" - means something to others, even when I do not realize it.
... I am His beloved, and He will not let me down.
His plans.
His timing.
His prompting.
To His name, be the glory.
Two days ago my friend and RA, Jenn, asked me to take her to a clinic and then later the hospital due to a terrible reaction to poison ivy.
I don't often feel needed or wanted.
So these... situations... have been encouraging.
I didn't like the circumstances surrounding each situation, of course.
But I'm glad that things played out the way they did.
Yet after some thinking... I can't decide if I am pleased, or saddened, by these things. This is basically the first time I've truly - wholeheartedly, honestly - felt needed/wanted since I've been at CCCB. For something other than selfish gain or motivation, that is... Or where I was asked to do something by another, not out of haste, or because someone else backed down and I was in the right place at the right time.
And I mean, I haven't even really done anything for the youth group, and didn't really "do" anything for Jenn. I've just sort of... been there... for said people. Which, I suppose, is good. It is. And sometimes... that's all that is truly needed... being with someone. Simply sitting with another can be... powerful. Moving. Meaningful. It says a lot, I think, in letting the other person know that you "are there for them". That you desire to be of help, of service, if necessary. That you are available to answer questions, discuss something, pray, laugh, praise God with them... and that is good.
So why am I dissatisfied?
Why can't I be content with this feeling?
Why isn't it enough?
Or not good enough?
Do I not fully believe that God can use me in this way?
Do I not really appreciate what God has given me in regards to patience and the ability to listen? Are these things not gifts?
They are good.
And good can come from my "using" them.
I need to trust.
Trust more.
Trust that God can and will use me to serve His people.
His Kingdom.
Trust that I actually do matter more than I think I do.
Trust that my presence - my simply "being there" - means something to others, even when I do not realize it.
... I am His beloved, and He will not let me down.
His plans.
His timing.
His prompting.
To His name, be the glory.
March 17, 2011
Dumbfounded
It is truly amazing how deceptive people can be.
[Of course, some would argue that people are not deceptive, it is simply the enemy using people to spread his own deception and lies and treachery. But regardless of whether it is spurred by man himself or the enemy, deception is deception.]
People can be terribly two-faced.
They wear masks, you see.
Hiding.
But the mask is not ugly or terrifying.
Rather, it is radiant and beautiful. Masterfully crafted.
For it is comprised of things that look... are... good.
Truth.
Light.
Purity.
Holiness.
Godliness.
Righteousness.
Things of Christ, truly.
It looks real.
The thing is... we are supposed to find our identity in Christ.
We are not supposed to steal His identity to make ourselves seem... clean.
I am so very disappointed.
Saddened.
Disheartened.
... Praying.
[Of course, some would argue that people are not deceptive, it is simply the enemy using people to spread his own deception and lies and treachery. But regardless of whether it is spurred by man himself or the enemy, deception is deception.]
People can be terribly two-faced.
They wear masks, you see.
Hiding.
But the mask is not ugly or terrifying.
Rather, it is radiant and beautiful. Masterfully crafted.
For it is comprised of things that look... are... good.
Truth.
Light.
Purity.
Holiness.
Godliness.
Righteousness.
Things of Christ, truly.
It looks real.
The thing is... we are supposed to find our identity in Christ.
We are not supposed to steal His identity to make ourselves seem... clean.
I am so very disappointed.
Saddened.
Disheartened.
... Praying.
March 15, 2011
Aaaand BREAK!
I can't wait for Saturday. I'm going to be leaving eeeearly in the morning to drive down to Gulf Shores, Alabama. "Outreach Week" = family and sunshine and warmth and no school for Natalie. I approve. I will be making the 14-hour drive with God, books on tape [old school, baby!], burned CDs, and tea... and I am stoked. What a great time it shall be! This trip is important to me. I'm not about to get into why, right now. It just is. :) But seriously... the rest of this week, I feel, will not go by fast enough!
March 11, 2011
Seeing love.
Within the past few weeks weeks I've heard something a couple times that has made me... think. And I mean, really think.
"Love is helping someone grow spiritually."
I like that.
I like that a lot.
I think it makes the concept of love more tangible in the sense of seeing a progression that results from showing someone love... I mean, to put others first is a great thing. And to love others is a great thing. It's commanded of us by our Lord God, after all. Thus, loving people and putting them before ourselves should be among our highest priorities, in my opinion.
So really... loving people could, basically, mean putting their spiritual lives before ourselves... wow. What a thought. If we really love people, why wouldn't we care about where they are in their relationship with God? Is said relationship non-existent? Is it weak, or is it strong? Which spiritual disciplines are emphasized? Is discipleship being focused on? What does a healthy, balanced spiritual life look like? Has the cost of following Christ been accounted for? How can they continue to grow?
However, I think it should be noted that we need to be keeping up with our own spiritual lives, our own walks with God. We cannot continue to pour ourselves out unto others in helping them, without being filled back up now and again. And we have to be strong from within before we can reach out in attempting to strengthen others.
"Love is helping someone grow spiritually."
I like that.
I like that a lot.
I think it makes the concept of love more tangible in the sense of seeing a progression that results from showing someone love... I mean, to put others first is a great thing. And to love others is a great thing. It's commanded of us by our Lord God, after all. Thus, loving people and putting them before ourselves should be among our highest priorities, in my opinion.
So really... loving people could, basically, mean putting their spiritual lives before ourselves... wow. What a thought. If we really love people, why wouldn't we care about where they are in their relationship with God? Is said relationship non-existent? Is it weak, or is it strong? Which spiritual disciplines are emphasized? Is discipleship being focused on? What does a healthy, balanced spiritual life look like? Has the cost of following Christ been accounted for? How can they continue to grow?
However, I think it should be noted that we need to be keeping up with our own spiritual lives, our own walks with God. We cannot continue to pour ourselves out unto others in helping them, without being filled back up now and again. And we have to be strong from within before we can reach out in attempting to strengthen others.
February 28, 2011
Happiness. Pure happiness.
Alright.
I get it.
I understand.
Finally.
I am going to do this right.
[No ifs, ands, or buts about it.]
... Whatever "this" may be.
And it will be good.
Why?
Because God is good.
And God is in the middle of it all.
The way He should be...
I am ready to live my life - in all its facets - for God.
I get it.
I understand.
Finally.
I am going to do this right.
[No ifs, ands, or buts about it.]
... Whatever "this" may be.
And it will be good.
Why?
Because God is good.
And God is in the middle of it all.
The way He should be...
I am ready to live my life - in all its facets - for God.
February 16, 2011
Proverbs
'... but the heart of the wicked is of little value.'
[Proverbs 10:20(b)]
Whoa... this verse really puts things into perspective for me. What does God desire? Righteousness. A pure heart. After all, out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. If that of the heart is wicked/of little value, so are the words that come from the lips of that person... and so how can we expect to be used by God to advance His kingdom?
......
'The fear of the Lord adds length to life...'
[Proverbs 10:27(a)]
I wonder if by this, Solomon meant that fear of the Lord leads to eternal life... which is, in my opinion, certainly adding length to life! I mean, fear alone will not lead to eternity... but it does become a facet of one's faith as they come to call on the name of the Lord and believe that He reigns over their life. At least, it has for me.
......
'... and he who wins souls is wise.'
[Proverbs 11:30(b)]
I don't really know what to think of this verse. I mean... how would Solomon know what we usually mean by "winning" souls? Proverbs 11:30(a) speaks of the righteous' fruit being a tree of life, much like what we read Jesus saying in the New Testament. Hm.
......
'When the righteous prosper, the city rejoices; when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy. Through the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but by the mouth of the wicked it is destroyed.]
[Proverbs 11:10-11]
Well, this doesn't have much to do with the actual proverbs, but it made me think... cities are no longer "divided" by those considered to be righteous or wicked. Not really, at least. And those who are true believers are not even entirely measurable.
......
'A friend loves at all times...'
[Proverbs 17:17(a)]
How true is this of most people - believers and nonbelievers alike? Do we truly love at all times? And not just our significant others, or those whom we are a friend to... but also our family members, those we serve, mere acquaintances, and strangers?
......
'The words of a man's mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.'
[Proverbs 18:4]
Deep waters... they may seem scary or intimidating. Overwhelming, even. But they eventually end. They only go so far down. And they may be still. Stagnant. You can drown in deep water[s]. But a [bubbling] brook.... this conjures thoughts of life. Movement. Renewal. A sweetness that pleases and satisfies. And while I'm sure it's possible, one is not terribly likely to drown in a brook. Our own words can be so dangerous and harmful, to both ourselves and others. We need to earnestly be seeking out wisdom, asking for it as a gift from God, in order to bless those around us. OR at the least, we should strive to place ourselves in the presence of those whom we believe to be wise. I think that would be one of the... wisest... things we could do for ourselves.
[Proverbs 10:20(b)]
Whoa... this verse really puts things into perspective for me. What does God desire? Righteousness. A pure heart. After all, out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. If that of the heart is wicked/of little value, so are the words that come from the lips of that person... and so how can we expect to be used by God to advance His kingdom?
......
'The fear of the Lord adds length to life...'
[Proverbs 10:27(a)]
I wonder if by this, Solomon meant that fear of the Lord leads to eternal life... which is, in my opinion, certainly adding length to life! I mean, fear alone will not lead to eternity... but it does become a facet of one's faith as they come to call on the name of the Lord and believe that He reigns over their life. At least, it has for me.
......
'... and he who wins souls is wise.'
[Proverbs 11:30(b)]
I don't really know what to think of this verse. I mean... how would Solomon know what we usually mean by "winning" souls? Proverbs 11:30(a) speaks of the righteous' fruit being a tree of life, much like what we read Jesus saying in the New Testament. Hm.
......
'When the righteous prosper, the city rejoices; when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy. Through the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but by the mouth of the wicked it is destroyed.]
[Proverbs 11:10-11]
Well, this doesn't have much to do with the actual proverbs, but it made me think... cities are no longer "divided" by those considered to be righteous or wicked. Not really, at least. And those who are true believers are not even entirely measurable.
......
'A friend loves at all times...'
[Proverbs 17:17(a)]
How true is this of most people - believers and nonbelievers alike? Do we truly love at all times? And not just our significant others, or those whom we are a friend to... but also our family members, those we serve, mere acquaintances, and strangers?
......
'The words of a man's mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.'
[Proverbs 18:4]
Deep waters... they may seem scary or intimidating. Overwhelming, even. But they eventually end. They only go so far down. And they may be still. Stagnant. You can drown in deep water[s]. But a [bubbling] brook.... this conjures thoughts of life. Movement. Renewal. A sweetness that pleases and satisfies. And while I'm sure it's possible, one is not terribly likely to drown in a brook. Our own words can be so dangerous and harmful, to both ourselves and others. We need to earnestly be seeking out wisdom, asking for it as a gift from God, in order to bless those around us. OR at the least, we should strive to place ourselves in the presence of those whom we believe to be wise. I think that would be one of the... wisest... things we could do for ourselves.
February 15, 2011
"Notes"
I just started going through my notebook to tear out the pages that do not contain any class notes - which are a lot. I like to doodle and write random things too greatly... Anyway, I found a few things I'd like to just copy down to keep for later.
20. January 2010:
'Natalie's Mix 7' on the iPod...
... made in the summer of 2005.
Lemon Lift in the chicken mug...
... decaf and a hint of sugar? Yes, please.
The WSC...
... friends in sight, yet quiet enough to be pleasant.
Thankfulness abounds...
... oh, to be content!
Simple pleasures - cliché? Perhaps. But these things are truly what I do appreciate in life. And it is a hope of mine that others are able to come to appreciate them, too.
Tired.
A bit anxious... strange, actually.
And yet I am happy.
I don't feel grouchy or impatient.
I don't feel disappointed or worried.
However, I can't seem to discern whether I am choosing to be like this, or if it is a plain reality, as a matter-of-fact. Is this my true nature, and yet I choose at other times to act in an opposing manner? Why am I having trouble figuring this out? Shouldn't I know myself well enough by now to recognize what is true of myself and what is not? For goodness' sake... peace, peace, Natalie. You know yourself better than you currently are thinking. There is no true need to ask questions, or - God forbid - worry. As long as I am [generally] striving to be the woman of God that He created me to be, I have nothing to fear. His presence in my life is ultimately what matters the most. My identity, as well, is in Christ. And through Him I will all the more understand myself, I believe.
......
23. January 2011:
Baptized.
One year.
One year of trials and triumphs.
One year of sorrows and joys.
One year of mistakes and learning.
One year fully alive in Christ.
Christ, my King.
Christ, my Lord.
Christ, my Savior.
Oh, to be free in the love of my God. I feel that people often take this beautiful blessing for granted. What a shame... We should capitalize on the fact that we have no chains to hold us down. What should we fear? Nothing. Who can cause us to fret? No one. The fear of God displaces all other fears. OR at least it should... so what holds us back? I mean, are we truly living the way that we should be? Do we fully meet God's expectations? Are we following His rules for holy living, as Paul iterated to the Colossians? Are we living a worshipful lifestyle? Do we offer up a pleasing sacrifice to Him through our consistent prayers and praises? We can always do more... always. He is so very worthy of honor and glory.
I am loved. So very, very loved. Now, while I "know" this is true - and do not doubt the fact - it is still good to remind myself, I feel. Not so much for vanity or pride's sake, but rather to simply help myself remember to count all my blessings, and thank my Lord God. He has done, is doing, and will do more than I deserve... for me. A sinner. And for all of man, truly. Sometimes I find myself pettily worrying that He doesn't know how thankful I truly am. But He's God! He knows my inner heart, soul, and mind. And I wonder if this lifetime holds enough time to spend thanking Him, anyway... I personally doubt it. Fortunately, I get to spend eternity praising Him - what an uplifting thought and realization!
......
26. January 2011:
Oh Lord God, how I do need You. You are the Sustainer of all things. And the fact that I only need to hunger and thirst after You astounds me. How can it be that I am able to find my identity in Christ alone? This is a blessing that I desire to take full advantage of. Show me, Lord God - teach me. Mold me to Your liking and help me to follow Your will for my life at all times. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
......
27. January 2011:
Fear God... not people.
Love God... and people.
Is my body truly stronger than the spirit that my Lord God bestowed upon me? Will I honestly allow my flesh to overpower my convictions and beliefs? Satan is not going to have a stronghold in my life. He's simply not. Lord God, reign over my life with Your mighty hand. Give me strength and boldness. Love me so that I know how to love others. Provide me with an extra portion of patience. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
......
30. January 2011:
There is a God.
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was born, crucified, and resurrected. He will return to us in the future.
The Holy Spirit dwells within the hearts of believers.
Baptism is a part of a complete faith, and commanded of us. Whether it is essential for salvation I am truly unsure... but doubtful.
Laws are in place under the ultimate authority of God. However, it is [seemingly] "up to us to decide" how we... choose... to view and follow them.
Passions and desires are instilled within us by God. And He desires to help us, guide us. He loves us.
Abilities, gifts, and skills are also given to us by God, as are opportunities to acquire... well... more.
Personally, I believe He has bestowed upon me the following [among a variety of other things]: mercy and compassion, hospitality, shepherding and teaching, language and communication, organization and administration.
God doesn't waste anything... [God's economy!]
I am a very passionate person. I can be very outgoing but also reserved, depending on the people I am around and situational circumstances. I also classify myself as an extroverted introvert. I am loyal. I am a realist. And both optimistic and pessimistic, though optimistic more so. I think I have a peace/safe affect on people. I care more for people than I [usually] let on.
I like to be led.
I like to help.
I like to be alone, but not ignored.
I like to listen, but sometimes need to be listened to.
I like to be asked thought-provoking questions.
I love being outdoors; nature draws me close to God and humbles me.
I don't mind saying that I am/was wrong about something. It's easy.
I rarely feel that I have to have the last word.
I have no idea what I'll end up doing - or "being" - in the future.
Sometimes I find myself doubting... myself. But I am quickly able to reassure myself - mostly because of my God, Who is so very good. Okay, more like entirely because of my God.
I am so glad that I am close with my [immediate] family - especially my mom. That mother-daughter relationship is incredibly important, I believe, and so I am grateful that we have a healthy relationship.
One of my favorite things is seeing God using everyday events with ordinary people to teach me something.
......
4. February 2011:
O God, MY God,
You hold my tiny life in Your hands. You know me better than I know myself. You placed passions into my heart that I continually discover, even now. So I ask, Lord God, that You would help me to discover Your purpose... Your purpose for my being here, Your purpose for Your children. I ask that You would show me plainly - through my peers, friends, teachers, family, Your word, etc. - what You desire of me, especially within this next year and a half. This summer... next year at school... after graduation... Close doors that I have [or plan to] set my foot into, if those paths are not part of the route You want me on. Guide me to a specific ministry opportunity that will spur me onwards to be part of a long-term ministry, perhaps. Lord God, bring into my life someone who can help me focus my skills and passions into a ministry. "Team" me up with others whom I can work with, either domestically or overseas. Keep me open. Keep me... flexible. Keep me calm, and without worry, anxiety, or stress. Let me disciple girls. Let me write. Let me minister to Muslims or international students. Place people in my path whom I know [by the prompting of the Holy Spirit] You want me to talk with. Help me listen. Spark a fire in my heart, my soul, and my very God-given spirit... and make it so intense that I cannot help but praise You and speak the Gospel. Help me love others the way You want me to. USE ME. Lord God, help me focus on prayer, especially for others. Develop the prayer warrior within me, and help me to allow Your Spirit rise up within me to intercede. Be a strong presence in my life; make Yourself known to those whom I am around and interact with. Shine, O God. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
[Just a note: it was very interesting to read through this, because I realized that a few things from this particular prayer have been recently answered by God. Oh, how He is faithful... mmm. Thanks be to God.]
......
6. February 2011:
Why is that we are so quick to gather and support and "praise" and reflect and analyze a sports team or two... discuss strategy and plays and players and history... and yet we aren't readily doing so in fellowship and worship to our Lord God? What a shame.
......
10. February 2011:
Make my soul come alive, O God!
Stir Your Spirit within me.
MOVE.
I still desire to encounter You.
Show Yourself to me in the small things.
......
12. February 2011:
[1 Corinthians 2:14]
Are the [spiritual] things from/of God foolish to you?
Maybe this is as good as it's going to get. We know - and believe - that God is the Father, His Son died for us, and the Holy Spirit lives inside of us. Perhaps that's all we really need. Love God, love people. That's all. But to answer questions and reach out to others, I feel that we truly do need to "know" more... doctrinal truths, apologetic defenses, the deeper things... so how do we gain a better understanding of them? Should we rely on what men have produced, believing the Spirit has helped them, and we don't "need" His [specific] help in these days? Or does He still give a special understanding to us these days... help us... if we ask for it? Or even if we don't ask... Does He give us clarity and understanding when it comes to His word, more specifically after we are baptized? Oh, controversy...
The Holy Spirit has convicted us.
We believe.
... Saved.
He dwells within us. Perhaps that is the major "help" that Jesus and Paul spoke of. We desire to live righteous and holy lives, repenting and making disciples. We read the word of God and have a general understanding. Jesus is our Bread and Water of Life. Sustainer. This makes sense. We have a personal relationship with Him. We know what that means and what it should generally look like. To those who don't know Jesus, or believe... "it" doesn't make sense. They misread things, they take stories and passages and verses and words out of context. They do not understand. That basic clarity is not there. Not until the Spirit "helps" them read into it and convicts them and makes things clear. He makes it click in their minds and in their hearts. Then He helps us to continue to live in Christ. Guides us. Helps us share our faith and our God. We will never fully understand anything. We simply must accept it.
Lord God,
I thank You for being the Ruler of all that You have created. I thank You for that which I do not understand, because it reminds me of how very small I am. But I seek to know more, and understand things that will help me share my faith and teach others about You. Lord God, I ask that You would give Your followers clarity in their reading of Your holy word. Let them draw the true meaning from what they read and hear. I ask that You would bestow the true gift of wisdom upon them. We desire to help Your children, Lord God, especially those who do not yet know You or have a relationship with You. Clear away any feelings of confusion or frustration. Do not let them feel lost or despaired. Help them, Spirit. Speak to them and reveal Your will for their lives, O God. Guide and direct them where You desire them to be, all the while molding and forming them to be the disciples You created them to be. Remind them to fully rely on You, trusting You like never before. Use them. Engage them in conversations with fellow believers so that they can all learn from one another... iron sharpens iron... Help them to focus on what is truly important, Lord God. You are just so good. Thank You for what You are doing in my life. Thank You for loving me. Help me to honestly love You more. Stir Your Spirit within me, and move my soul to worship You continuously. Let me - help me - walk in the Spirit, as I live by the Spirit. Shine on me, and through me. Direct the gazes of Your children to Your throne. I love You, Lord. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
20. January 2010:
'Natalie's Mix 7' on the iPod...
... made in the summer of 2005.
Lemon Lift in the chicken mug...
... decaf and a hint of sugar? Yes, please.
The WSC...
... friends in sight, yet quiet enough to be pleasant.
Thankfulness abounds...
... oh, to be content!
Simple pleasures - cliché? Perhaps. But these things are truly what I do appreciate in life. And it is a hope of mine that others are able to come to appreciate them, too.
Tired.
A bit anxious... strange, actually.
And yet I am happy.
I don't feel grouchy or impatient.
I don't feel disappointed or worried.
However, I can't seem to discern whether I am choosing to be like this, or if it is a plain reality, as a matter-of-fact. Is this my true nature, and yet I choose at other times to act in an opposing manner? Why am I having trouble figuring this out? Shouldn't I know myself well enough by now to recognize what is true of myself and what is not? For goodness' sake... peace, peace, Natalie. You know yourself better than you currently are thinking. There is no true need to ask questions, or - God forbid - worry. As long as I am [generally] striving to be the woman of God that He created me to be, I have nothing to fear. His presence in my life is ultimately what matters the most. My identity, as well, is in Christ. And through Him I will all the more understand myself, I believe.
......
23. January 2011:
Baptized.
One year.
One year of trials and triumphs.
One year of sorrows and joys.
One year of mistakes and learning.
One year fully alive in Christ.
Christ, my King.
Christ, my Lord.
Christ, my Savior.
Oh, to be free in the love of my God. I feel that people often take this beautiful blessing for granted. What a shame... We should capitalize on the fact that we have no chains to hold us down. What should we fear? Nothing. Who can cause us to fret? No one. The fear of God displaces all other fears. OR at least it should... so what holds us back? I mean, are we truly living the way that we should be? Do we fully meet God's expectations? Are we following His rules for holy living, as Paul iterated to the Colossians? Are we living a worshipful lifestyle? Do we offer up a pleasing sacrifice to Him through our consistent prayers and praises? We can always do more... always. He is so very worthy of honor and glory.
I am loved. So very, very loved. Now, while I "know" this is true - and do not doubt the fact - it is still good to remind myself, I feel. Not so much for vanity or pride's sake, but rather to simply help myself remember to count all my blessings, and thank my Lord God. He has done, is doing, and will do more than I deserve... for me. A sinner. And for all of man, truly. Sometimes I find myself pettily worrying that He doesn't know how thankful I truly am. But He's God! He knows my inner heart, soul, and mind. And I wonder if this lifetime holds enough time to spend thanking Him, anyway... I personally doubt it. Fortunately, I get to spend eternity praising Him - what an uplifting thought and realization!
......
26. January 2011:
Oh Lord God, how I do need You. You are the Sustainer of all things. And the fact that I only need to hunger and thirst after You astounds me. How can it be that I am able to find my identity in Christ alone? This is a blessing that I desire to take full advantage of. Show me, Lord God - teach me. Mold me to Your liking and help me to follow Your will for my life at all times. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
......
27. January 2011:
Fear God... not people.
Love God... and people.
Is my body truly stronger than the spirit that my Lord God bestowed upon me? Will I honestly allow my flesh to overpower my convictions and beliefs? Satan is not going to have a stronghold in my life. He's simply not. Lord God, reign over my life with Your mighty hand. Give me strength and boldness. Love me so that I know how to love others. Provide me with an extra portion of patience. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
......
30. January 2011:
There is a God.
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was born, crucified, and resurrected. He will return to us in the future.
The Holy Spirit dwells within the hearts of believers.
Baptism is a part of a complete faith, and commanded of us. Whether it is essential for salvation I am truly unsure... but doubtful.
Laws are in place under the ultimate authority of God. However, it is [seemingly] "up to us to decide" how we... choose... to view and follow them.
Passions and desires are instilled within us by God. And He desires to help us, guide us. He loves us.
Abilities, gifts, and skills are also given to us by God, as are opportunities to acquire... well... more.
Personally, I believe He has bestowed upon me the following [among a variety of other things]: mercy and compassion, hospitality, shepherding and teaching, language and communication, organization and administration.
God doesn't waste anything... [God's economy!]
I am a very passionate person. I can be very outgoing but also reserved, depending on the people I am around and situational circumstances. I also classify myself as an extroverted introvert. I am loyal. I am a realist. And both optimistic and pessimistic, though optimistic more so. I think I have a peace/safe affect on people. I care more for people than I [usually] let on.
I like to be led.
I like to help.
I like to be alone, but not ignored.
I like to listen, but sometimes need to be listened to.
I like to be asked thought-provoking questions.
I love being outdoors; nature draws me close to God and humbles me.
I don't mind saying that I am/was wrong about something. It's easy.
I rarely feel that I have to have the last word.
I have no idea what I'll end up doing - or "being" - in the future.
Sometimes I find myself doubting... myself. But I am quickly able to reassure myself - mostly because of my God, Who is so very good. Okay, more like entirely because of my God.
I am so glad that I am close with my [immediate] family - especially my mom. That mother-daughter relationship is incredibly important, I believe, and so I am grateful that we have a healthy relationship.
One of my favorite things is seeing God using everyday events with ordinary people to teach me something.
......
4. February 2011:
O God, MY God,
You hold my tiny life in Your hands. You know me better than I know myself. You placed passions into my heart that I continually discover, even now. So I ask, Lord God, that You would help me to discover Your purpose... Your purpose for my being here, Your purpose for Your children. I ask that You would show me plainly - through my peers, friends, teachers, family, Your word, etc. - what You desire of me, especially within this next year and a half. This summer... next year at school... after graduation... Close doors that I have [or plan to] set my foot into, if those paths are not part of the route You want me on. Guide me to a specific ministry opportunity that will spur me onwards to be part of a long-term ministry, perhaps. Lord God, bring into my life someone who can help me focus my skills and passions into a ministry. "Team" me up with others whom I can work with, either domestically or overseas. Keep me open. Keep me... flexible. Keep me calm, and without worry, anxiety, or stress. Let me disciple girls. Let me write. Let me minister to Muslims or international students. Place people in my path whom I know [by the prompting of the Holy Spirit] You want me to talk with. Help me listen. Spark a fire in my heart, my soul, and my very God-given spirit... and make it so intense that I cannot help but praise You and speak the Gospel. Help me love others the way You want me to. USE ME. Lord God, help me focus on prayer, especially for others. Develop the prayer warrior within me, and help me to allow Your Spirit rise up within me to intercede. Be a strong presence in my life; make Yourself known to those whom I am around and interact with. Shine, O God. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
[Just a note: it was very interesting to read through this, because I realized that a few things from this particular prayer have been recently answered by God. Oh, how He is faithful... mmm. Thanks be to God.]
......
6. February 2011:
Why is that we are so quick to gather and support and "praise" and reflect and analyze a sports team or two... discuss strategy and plays and players and history... and yet we aren't readily doing so in fellowship and worship to our Lord God? What a shame.
......
10. February 2011:
Make my soul come alive, O God!
Stir Your Spirit within me.
MOVE.
I still desire to encounter You.
Show Yourself to me in the small things.
......
12. February 2011:
[1 Corinthians 2:14]
Are the [spiritual] things from/of God foolish to you?
Maybe this is as good as it's going to get. We know - and believe - that God is the Father, His Son died for us, and the Holy Spirit lives inside of us. Perhaps that's all we really need. Love God, love people. That's all. But to answer questions and reach out to others, I feel that we truly do need to "know" more... doctrinal truths, apologetic defenses, the deeper things... so how do we gain a better understanding of them? Should we rely on what men have produced, believing the Spirit has helped them, and we don't "need" His [specific] help in these days? Or does He still give a special understanding to us these days... help us... if we ask for it? Or even if we don't ask... Does He give us clarity and understanding when it comes to His word, more specifically after we are baptized? Oh, controversy...
The Holy Spirit has convicted us.
We believe.
... Saved.
He dwells within us. Perhaps that is the major "help" that Jesus and Paul spoke of. We desire to live righteous and holy lives, repenting and making disciples. We read the word of God and have a general understanding. Jesus is our Bread and Water of Life. Sustainer. This makes sense. We have a personal relationship with Him. We know what that means and what it should generally look like. To those who don't know Jesus, or believe... "it" doesn't make sense. They misread things, they take stories and passages and verses and words out of context. They do not understand. That basic clarity is not there. Not until the Spirit "helps" them read into it and convicts them and makes things clear. He makes it click in their minds and in their hearts. Then He helps us to continue to live in Christ. Guides us. Helps us share our faith and our God. We will never fully understand anything. We simply must accept it.
Lord God,
I thank You for being the Ruler of all that You have created. I thank You for that which I do not understand, because it reminds me of how very small I am. But I seek to know more, and understand things that will help me share my faith and teach others about You. Lord God, I ask that You would give Your followers clarity in their reading of Your holy word. Let them draw the true meaning from what they read and hear. I ask that You would bestow the true gift of wisdom upon them. We desire to help Your children, Lord God, especially those who do not yet know You or have a relationship with You. Clear away any feelings of confusion or frustration. Do not let them feel lost or despaired. Help them, Spirit. Speak to them and reveal Your will for their lives, O God. Guide and direct them where You desire them to be, all the while molding and forming them to be the disciples You created them to be. Remind them to fully rely on You, trusting You like never before. Use them. Engage them in conversations with fellow believers so that they can all learn from one another... iron sharpens iron... Help them to focus on what is truly important, Lord God. You are just so good. Thank You for what You are doing in my life. Thank You for loving me. Help me to honestly love You more. Stir Your Spirit within me, and move my soul to worship You continuously. Let me - help me - walk in the Spirit, as I live by the Spirit. Shine on me, and through me. Direct the gazes of Your children to Your throne. I love You, Lord. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.
February 14, 2011
Processing
Wow. What a weekend!
I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind right now.
First and foremost?
- God is good.
Man oh man God is good!
Anyway.
More thoughts.
- I am very excited for the remainder of the semester.
... Especially for helping with the children/youth of Queen City CC.
- I am also very excited for next year.
... Which I will be spending at CCCB.
- I am thankful for the development of friendships.
... And for my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Also.
- I have dreams.
["Finally."]
Want to know about my favorite?
It's the one that got the ball rolling from one dream to the next.
I want land.
Not a ton of land.
Just... enough.
Going with one of my bucket list items, I want to use that land to plant an orchard. Previously I had said I wanted to plant peach trees. As great as that still sounds, I think I'd rather plant an apple orchard. Did you know that apple trees need other apple trees around them in order to grow and bear fruit? Moving on, I'd sell the fruit to local markets, and also make and sell delicious apple treats and beverages. I want the orchard to be open to the public. And bring in people from my church family for Bible studies and small groups and worship services, sitting underneath the shade of the apple trees. I also want land to develop garden plots. I want people who come from low-income families - especially youth - to be able to come and grow their own plants. Fruit. Vegetables. Herbs. Teach them, give them responsibility, and the opportunity to see the [literal, perhaps] fruit(s) of their labor. I also want to refurbish an old barn or farmhouse. I want that space to be available to anyone and everyone. I would love to have a few rooms in which people could stay, but also have space for community and fellowship and worship and prayer and meals and retreat. Peace and quiet. Organized chaos. A home away from home. And speaking of homes, I would have my own cottage-y home tucked away somewhere. What else... oh right, I decided that this land must have a pond. Preferably a stream running through it. Wooded areas. A gazebo. And a swing.
That's all.
A bit outrageous, considering I don't have any agricultural or business experience... but it's my dream. Mine. And it is special to me. If only, if only... hm. Perhaps one day I'll gather enough courage to ask God for it.
More thoughts.
- It is fascinating to think about how greatly ministry can affect people.
Draw people together. Help them grow. Learn.
This is... good. Very good.
- My dad's procedure went well. He is very sore and tired, but we are hoping and praying for good results! Ever since I talked to my mom and dad this evening, I cry whenever I think about my dad. That's been... silly. But it's okay. ... Dang it! Yep, here come the tears...
- Boys are stupid.
... Some of them.
- I am really glad that I no longer have a 9:05 class, given that it is 1:42 in the morning as I type this.
- Hummus is yummus.
- I love tea.
- Misty Edwards [a musician] is really fantastic.
... Check out her song Arms Wide Open from her 'Fling Wide' album.
- I cannot wait to go home on Friday.
- I'm sleepy.
:)
I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind right now.
First and foremost?
- God is good.
Man oh man God is good!
Anyway.
More thoughts.
- I am very excited for the remainder of the semester.
... Especially for helping with the children/youth of Queen City CC.
- I am also very excited for next year.
... Which I will be spending at CCCB.
- I am thankful for the development of friendships.
... And for my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Also.
- I have dreams.
["Finally."]
Want to know about my favorite?
It's the one that got the ball rolling from one dream to the next.
I want land.
Not a ton of land.
Just... enough.
Going with one of my bucket list items, I want to use that land to plant an orchard. Previously I had said I wanted to plant peach trees. As great as that still sounds, I think I'd rather plant an apple orchard. Did you know that apple trees need other apple trees around them in order to grow and bear fruit? Moving on, I'd sell the fruit to local markets, and also make and sell delicious apple treats and beverages. I want the orchard to be open to the public. And bring in people from my church family for Bible studies and small groups and worship services, sitting underneath the shade of the apple trees. I also want land to develop garden plots. I want people who come from low-income families - especially youth - to be able to come and grow their own plants. Fruit. Vegetables. Herbs. Teach them, give them responsibility, and the opportunity to see the [literal, perhaps] fruit(s) of their labor. I also want to refurbish an old barn or farmhouse. I want that space to be available to anyone and everyone. I would love to have a few rooms in which people could stay, but also have space for community and fellowship and worship and prayer and meals and retreat. Peace and quiet. Organized chaos. A home away from home. And speaking of homes, I would have my own cottage-y home tucked away somewhere. What else... oh right, I decided that this land must have a pond. Preferably a stream running through it. Wooded areas. A gazebo. And a swing.
That's all.
A bit outrageous, considering I don't have any agricultural or business experience... but it's my dream. Mine. And it is special to me. If only, if only... hm. Perhaps one day I'll gather enough courage to ask God for it.
More thoughts.
- It is fascinating to think about how greatly ministry can affect people.
Draw people together. Help them grow. Learn.
This is... good. Very good.
- My dad's procedure went well. He is very sore and tired, but we are hoping and praying for good results! Ever since I talked to my mom and dad this evening, I cry whenever I think about my dad. That's been... silly. But it's okay. ... Dang it! Yep, here come the tears...
- Boys are stupid.
... Some of them.
- I am really glad that I no longer have a 9:05 class, given that it is 1:42 in the morning as I type this.
- Hummus is yummus.
- I love tea.
- Misty Edwards [a musician] is really fantastic.
... Check out her song Arms Wide Open from her 'Fling Wide' album.
- I cannot wait to go home on Friday.
- I'm sleepy.
:)
February 10, 2011
Shatter
Why do we feel that we have to cover up what we are truly feeling?
Masks of joy.
Masks of calm.
Masks of peace.
Masks of cheer.
Masks of happiness.
If we are hurting, why don't we let it be known?
If we are in need, why don't we let it be known?
What makes us believe that we are strong enough to continuously hold up the walls that we build? Our walls to defend. To protect. To reroute. To divide. These walls are weak. Finite. Stupid, really, because one way or another, they will come down. Probably when we least expect them to. By God or by man, they will fall. It is simply a matter of time. And perhaps prayer... a little or a lot, prayer can and will make an impact on those walls.
When those walls come down, we will be seen for what we are. Vulnerable. Pitiful. Pathetic. Naked. And so we clothe ourselves with pride and false senses of righteousness, donning those masks. Perhaps they're not as "strong" as those walls. But we figure they will do the job. Yet to use them in attempting to fool others is just... wrong. Besides, masks are uncomfortable. Ill-fitting. Like walls, neither are they unbreakable. They will crack. They will break. And sooner or later, people will see through them. Most importantly, God can always see you. He knows what we try to do... what we try to hide. Our efforts are pointless! They will, in the end, fail!
Isn't it better to just... "give up"... and let people in? Let them see you! Let them see your fears and your failures, your concerns and weaknesses. Let them help you. But let them also see your joys and your hopes, your dreams and strengths. Use these things to help others. Be united in love. Be united in Christ.
Masks of joy.
Masks of calm.
Masks of peace.
Masks of cheer.
Masks of happiness.
If we are hurting, why don't we let it be known?
If we are in need, why don't we let it be known?
What makes us believe that we are strong enough to continuously hold up the walls that we build? Our walls to defend. To protect. To reroute. To divide. These walls are weak. Finite. Stupid, really, because one way or another, they will come down. Probably when we least expect them to. By God or by man, they will fall. It is simply a matter of time. And perhaps prayer... a little or a lot, prayer can and will make an impact on those walls.
When those walls come down, we will be seen for what we are. Vulnerable. Pitiful. Pathetic. Naked. And so we clothe ourselves with pride and false senses of righteousness, donning those masks. Perhaps they're not as "strong" as those walls. But we figure they will do the job. Yet to use them in attempting to fool others is just... wrong. Besides, masks are uncomfortable. Ill-fitting. Like walls, neither are they unbreakable. They will crack. They will break. And sooner or later, people will see through them. Most importantly, God can always see you. He knows what we try to do... what we try to hide. Our efforts are pointless! They will, in the end, fail!
Isn't it better to just... "give up"... and let people in? Let them see you! Let them see your fears and your failures, your concerns and weaknesses. Let them help you. But let them also see your joys and your hopes, your dreams and strengths. Use these things to help others. Be united in love. Be united in Christ.
February 6, 2011
A Challenge: DREAM
I actually sort of wrote about dreams in my other blog a couple weeks ago. But I had my Focused class this weekend and something came up during it about dreams. A Focused class is an intensive learning class that occurs during three weekends throughout the semester. This semester I am taking Cross-Cultural Methods & Strategies with Dr. Curtice. I had been looking forward to this class ever since I learned about it in first coming to Central. At first, I was a bit disappointed... but over the weekend it got better and better. ANYWAY. Basically, it all came down to this: don't be afraid to dream. And don't be afraid to dream or ask for the [seemingly] impossible. Our God is big. Much bigger than you, and much bigger than your dreams. And our God is good. He instilled passions and dreams within you, desires of the heart that are actually desires of His heart.
I don't think that I have ever taken the time to just sit down and... truly dream. Daydream during class? Oh yes. But dream for myself? No. No, I haven't. And I certainly do not mean that I simply haven't been selfish enough to do so. Because I have. Too selfish, in fact. I just haven't thought about it a lot; and dreaming for oneself is not such a bad thing. Bucket lists [as posted on this blog] and ministry/family dreams [as posted on the other blog] aside... What do I want to do? What do I want to see? Where do I want to go? What do I want to happen? And what about others? How can my dreams affect others in a positive manner, you know? What kind of dreams would allow me to help people? How big do I dare to dream? I mean, as aforementioned, Dr. Curtice said to dream the impossible. He also let it be known that while there is nothing wrong with taking the time to dream of "wants" [his personal example: a sports car]... perhaps you should at least have a list of dreams that are that less materialistic, in a sense. He challenged us to think of five things. Five. Five dreams. That's all. Well let me tell you, to list five dreams sounds very overwhelming to me. Dr. Curtice gave us the opportunity to give an example of our dreams in class, and I wasn't able to do so. I was thinking, and thinking, and thinking... but nothing really came to mind. There were only two of us [out of six] who didn't say anything. The other girl, I know, is just really shy and doesn't share much at all as it is. But I would have had no problem sharing, had I actually had an inkling of something to share!
So this week, I plan to dream.
Ever since Dr. Curtice challenged us on Friday night, a lot of things have been swirling around in my mind. But nothing is really coming together. This isn't a big deal... or is it? Is it just for fun? Or should I be taking it seriously, even going before my Lord God? I even posted yesterday: REVEAL and DEVELOP are my "theme" words... hm. I wasn't even thinking about this challenge when I posted that. Oh boy. I hope I don't have a lot of homework this week. :)
I don't think that I have ever taken the time to just sit down and... truly dream. Daydream during class? Oh yes. But dream for myself? No. No, I haven't. And I certainly do not mean that I simply haven't been selfish enough to do so. Because I have. Too selfish, in fact. I just haven't thought about it a lot; and dreaming for oneself is not such a bad thing. Bucket lists [as posted on this blog] and ministry/family dreams [as posted on the other blog] aside... What do I want to do? What do I want to see? Where do I want to go? What do I want to happen? And what about others? How can my dreams affect others in a positive manner, you know? What kind of dreams would allow me to help people? How big do I dare to dream? I mean, as aforementioned, Dr. Curtice said to dream the impossible. He also let it be known that while there is nothing wrong with taking the time to dream of "wants" [his personal example: a sports car]... perhaps you should at least have a list of dreams that are that less materialistic, in a sense. He challenged us to think of five things. Five. Five dreams. That's all. Well let me tell you, to list five dreams sounds very overwhelming to me. Dr. Curtice gave us the opportunity to give an example of our dreams in class, and I wasn't able to do so. I was thinking, and thinking, and thinking... but nothing really came to mind. There were only two of us [out of six] who didn't say anything. The other girl, I know, is just really shy and doesn't share much at all as it is. But I would have had no problem sharing, had I actually had an inkling of something to share!
So this week, I plan to dream.
Ever since Dr. Curtice challenged us on Friday night, a lot of things have been swirling around in my mind. But nothing is really coming together. This isn't a big deal... or is it? Is it just for fun? Or should I be taking it seriously, even going before my Lord God? I even posted yesterday: REVEAL and DEVELOP are my "theme" words... hm. I wasn't even thinking about this challenge when I posted that. Oh boy. I hope I don't have a lot of homework this week. :)
February 5, 2011
January 29, 2011
Strong
Sometimes it is hard to stand firm in what you think you believe...
For a variety of reasons, we are pushed to and fro by different breezes.
People.
Desires.
Changes.
At times we even find ourselves standing in a single spot, but swaying back and forth because of instability. A strong wind rushes over us, causing imbalance. So what can we do to stand tall and strong? What can we do to help us remember the importance of a strong foundation, of strong roots?
For a variety of reasons, we are pushed to and fro by different breezes.
People.
Desires.
Changes.
At times we even find ourselves standing in a single spot, but swaying back and forth because of instability. A strong wind rushes over us, causing imbalance. So what can we do to stand tall and strong? What can we do to help us remember the importance of a strong foundation, of strong roots?
January 23, 2011
JOY upon JOY upon JOY!
Today I found out that my father will be receiving a CCSVI treatment on February 14 in Brooklyn, New York. That's only approximately three weeks from now! This is such a wonderful answer to prayer. And it doesn't hurt that we thought it wouldn't happen for quite some time [estimates ranged between April and December of this year, I believe]. This doesn't mean that we should cease praying for the situation at hand, but it does mean that praise and thanksgiving are due unto God! I am so excited for my father. While he is a reserved and quiet man and may not show it readily on the outside, I am sure that he is also filled with feelings of joy and excitement. Wow, what a blessing this is... I cannot wait to see how the treatment benefits him. Definitely going home the weekend after he and mom come back from New York, that's all I've gotta say! JFALSKEURQONVZM - such great news!
January 22, 2011
Dance party, anyone?
While hanging out with someone last night, something was said about Michael Jackson. Thus [naturally], I've been listening to MJ all day. So... not too bad a day. :)
January 19, 2011
Burden
Oh, my heart.
How it aches.
23. January 2011 Edit:
This is not my burden.
The situation lies in the hands of our most gracious, merciful, and loving Lord God. Nothing is expected of me. Nothing is needed of me. The only thing desired of me is prayer. And that, I can handle with ease and consistency.
How it aches.
23. January 2011 Edit:
This is not my burden.
The situation lies in the hands of our most gracious, merciful, and loving Lord God. Nothing is expected of me. Nothing is needed of me. The only thing desired of me is prayer. And that, I can handle with ease and consistency.
January 18, 2011
Spring 2011!
Ahhh, a new semester.
Another fresh start.
I am glad to be back at school.
While I am not terribly excited for this semester, I'm sure it'll be good.
I have a totally sweet class schedule, which makes for a very happy Natalie.
No 8:00 AM class, for one thing... praise the Lord.
No Tuesday night class.
And I have both a Focused class and online class - breaks things up a bit.
I am enrolled in the following classes:
Pastoral Epistles [1 & 2 Timothy and Titus]
Romans
Apologetics
History of Missions
Issues in Philosophy
Cross-Cultural Methods & Strategies
And everybody's favorite - SALT:301 [Senior Bible Seminar/Assessment]
Faaantastic.
Another fresh start.
I am glad to be back at school.
While I am not terribly excited for this semester, I'm sure it'll be good.
I have a totally sweet class schedule, which makes for a very happy Natalie.
No 8:00 AM class, for one thing... praise the Lord.
No Tuesday night class.
And I have both a Focused class and online class - breaks things up a bit.
I am enrolled in the following classes:
Pastoral Epistles [1 & 2 Timothy and Titus]
Romans
Apologetics
History of Missions
Issues in Philosophy
Cross-Cultural Methods & Strategies
And everybody's favorite - SALT:301 [Senior Bible Seminar/Assessment]
Faaantastic.
January 17, 2011
Knots
It intrigues me to think that something can change so drastically in a matter of minutes. Seconds, even, in some cases.
January 15, 2011
Gears
Oh, to know how others tick and tock and click and buzz and whirl on the inside. It is a most fascinating world that we live in. Everyone is different. Different and wonderful, different and terrible. But different is good, no matter how you look at it.
January 12, 2011
Lone wolf. Awww yeah.
It is currently midnight:36.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011.
I am sitting in the family room of my parents' house.
It is creepy.
I am wearing a zebra-print Snuggie over my pajamas.
It is warm.
I am drinking a homemade orange-banana-pineapple smoothie.
It is delicious.
I am listening to a new album I bought on iTunes.
It is excellent.
[Josh White's Achor... and no, that is not misspelled.]
POP QUIZ!
For the past six hours or so, what have I been doing?
A) Watching the IHOP-KC prayer room online!
B) Singing!
C) Praying!
D) Writing!
E) Reading!
F) Thinking!
G) None of the above!
H) All of the above!
If you guessed "All of the above!" then you are correct!
Now, I haven't been doing all of those at once... I mean, I'm a multi-tasker, but I'm not a multi-tasking machine or anything. It's all sort of flowed together. Let me tell you: the whole evening's been a blur! A very slow-moving blur... but a blur nonetheless.
In all honesty, I couldn't think of a better way to spend a cold night all by myself in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Well. I do suppose a crackling fire would be a nice addition...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011.
I am sitting in the family room of my parents' house.
It is creepy.
I am wearing a zebra-print Snuggie over my pajamas.
It is warm.
I am drinking a homemade orange-banana-pineapple smoothie.
It is delicious.
I am listening to a new album I bought on iTunes.
It is excellent.
[Josh White's Achor... and no, that is not misspelled.]
POP QUIZ!
For the past six hours or so, what have I been doing?
A) Watching the IHOP-KC prayer room online!
B) Singing!
C) Praying!
D) Writing!
E) Reading!
F) Thinking!
G) None of the above!
H) All of the above!
If you guessed "All of the above!" then you are correct!
Now, I haven't been doing all of those at once... I mean, I'm a multi-tasker, but I'm not a multi-tasking machine or anything. It's all sort of flowed together. Let me tell you: the whole evening's been a blur! A very slow-moving blur... but a blur nonetheless.
In all honesty, I couldn't think of a better way to spend a cold night all by myself in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Well. I do suppose a crackling fire would be a nice addition...
January 7, 2011
Investigation
Saint Augustine's Confessions
Book I
5
'Who will grant me to rest content in you? To whom shall I turn for the gift of your coming into my heart and filling it to the brim, so that I may forget all the wrong I have done and embrace you alone, my only source of good?
Why do you mean so much to me? Help me to find words to explain. Why do I mean so much to you, that you should command me to love you? And if I fail to love you, you are angry and threaten me with great sorrow, as if not to love you were not sorrow enough in itself. Have pity on me and help me, O Lord my God. Tell me why you mean so much to me. Whisper in my ear, I am here to save you.[1] Speak so that I may hear your words. My heart has ears ready to listen to you, Lord. Open them wide and whisper in my heart, I am here to save you. I shall hear your voice and make haste to clasp you to myself. Do not hide your face away from me, for I would gladly meet my death to see it, since not to see it would be death indeed.
My soul is like a house, small for you to enter, but I pray you to enlarge it. It is in ruins, but I ask you to remake it. It contains much that you will not be pleased to see: this I know and do not hide. But who is to rid it of these things? There is no one but you to whom I can say: if I have sinned unwillingly do you absolve me. Keep me ever your own servant, far from pride.[2] I trust, and trusting I find words to utter.[3] Lord, you know that this is true. For have I not made my transgression known to you? Did you not remit the guilt of my sin?[4] I do not wrangle with you for judgment[5], for you are Truth itself, and I have no wish to delude myself, for fear that my malice should be self-betrayed.[6] No, I do not wrangle with you, for, if you, Lord, will keep record of our iniquities, Master, who has strength to bear it?[7]'
[1] Psalm 35:3
[2] Psalm 19:12,13
[3] Psalm 116:10
[4] Psalm 32:5
[5] See Jeremiah 2:29
[6] See Psalm 27:12
[7] Psalm 130:3
Book I
5
'Who will grant me to rest content in you? To whom shall I turn for the gift of your coming into my heart and filling it to the brim, so that I may forget all the wrong I have done and embrace you alone, my only source of good?
Why do you mean so much to me? Help me to find words to explain. Why do I mean so much to you, that you should command me to love you? And if I fail to love you, you are angry and threaten me with great sorrow, as if not to love you were not sorrow enough in itself. Have pity on me and help me, O Lord my God. Tell me why you mean so much to me. Whisper in my ear, I am here to save you.[1] Speak so that I may hear your words. My heart has ears ready to listen to you, Lord. Open them wide and whisper in my heart, I am here to save you. I shall hear your voice and make haste to clasp you to myself. Do not hide your face away from me, for I would gladly meet my death to see it, since not to see it would be death indeed.
My soul is like a house, small for you to enter, but I pray you to enlarge it. It is in ruins, but I ask you to remake it. It contains much that you will not be pleased to see: this I know and do not hide. But who is to rid it of these things? There is no one but you to whom I can say: if I have sinned unwillingly do you absolve me. Keep me ever your own servant, far from pride.[2] I trust, and trusting I find words to utter.[3] Lord, you know that this is true. For have I not made my transgression known to you? Did you not remit the guilt of my sin?[4] I do not wrangle with you for judgment[5], for you are Truth itself, and I have no wish to delude myself, for fear that my malice should be self-betrayed.[6] No, I do not wrangle with you, for, if you, Lord, will keep record of our iniquities, Master, who has strength to bear it?[7]'
[1] Psalm 35:3
[2] Psalm 19:12,13
[3] Psalm 116:10
[4] Psalm 32:5
[5] See Jeremiah 2:29
[6] See Psalm 27:12
[7] Psalm 130:3
December 29, 2010
December 8, 2010
Set
As I sit at the end of my dorm hallway to stress and worry about all that I have yet to do before break begins next weekend, I have found myself thinking, 'I wish more was expected of me.'
[Reading and notes and assignments and papers and quizzes and tests and service hours and churchgoing and community group and work aside, that is. Ah, such is life as a Bible college student.]
I am a brat who has been allowed to get away with an awful lot.
An awful lot of crap, I mean.
People do not understand what accountability and intentionality mean.
Truly.
Or, if they do, they do not seem to apply either of these things to their lives. And their apathy towards either can even have an affect on the lives of others. What great things can come from holding others accountable for their words and actions - or lack thereof. The desire for intentional relationships that include [intentional!] loving confrontation can do a world of good for all parties involved, if the Holy Spirit is "allowed" to lead.
But often we do not realize the great importance of these things and they are simply not a part of us/our lives. We don't know what we're missing out on. So when we are presented with opportunities to let them into our lives because of people who do understand what they mean and their importance, it can be... stretching. We certainly do learn from experience. And, at times, how can we expect to help others unless we go through that which they struggle with? I think that honestly, we cannot hold others accountable or truly be intentional towards/with others until we are held accountable, and until others regard us with intentionality.
... That's expecting a lot from people.
But really, we should be.
Expecting a lot, I mean.
And I think... I know... that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I think people simply don't know how to communicate it.
Or they're too scared to try.
Or they've tried before but nothing happens or changes.
Or... fill in the blank.
So perhaps I don't mean that I wish more was expected of me.
Because as I said, I believe - I know - that it is.
Rather, I wish people would let it be known that which they expect.
[A higher standard, truly.]
[Reading and notes and assignments and papers and quizzes and tests and service hours and churchgoing and community group and work aside, that is. Ah, such is life as a Bible college student.]
I am a brat who has been allowed to get away with an awful lot.
An awful lot of crap, I mean.
People do not understand what accountability and intentionality mean.
Truly.
Or, if they do, they do not seem to apply either of these things to their lives. And their apathy towards either can even have an affect on the lives of others. What great things can come from holding others accountable for their words and actions - or lack thereof. The desire for intentional relationships that include [intentional!] loving confrontation can do a world of good for all parties involved, if the Holy Spirit is "allowed" to lead.
But often we do not realize the great importance of these things and they are simply not a part of us/our lives. We don't know what we're missing out on. So when we are presented with opportunities to let them into our lives because of people who do understand what they mean and their importance, it can be... stretching. We certainly do learn from experience. And, at times, how can we expect to help others unless we go through that which they struggle with? I think that honestly, we cannot hold others accountable or truly be intentional towards/with others until we are held accountable, and until others regard us with intentionality.
... That's expecting a lot from people.
But really, we should be.
Expecting a lot, I mean.
And I think... I know... that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I think people simply don't know how to communicate it.
Or they're too scared to try.
Or they've tried before but nothing happens or changes.
Or... fill in the blank.
So perhaps I don't mean that I wish more was expected of me.
Because as I said, I believe - I know - that it is.
Rather, I wish people would let it be known that which they expect.
[A higher standard, truly.]
December 7, 2010
Half empty..
How can one be encouraged by something said to them that they do not believe to be true - or really, know is not true?
Should they simply remind themselves, "It's the thought that counts!"?
Or should they call the "encourager" out on their falsity?
Even if one was to go with the former option, it is easy to dwell on the fact that the attempted encouragement was basically made up just because... it's the good, Christian thing to do.
If that's honestly the "truth" behind the encouragement - which, in this case, it obviously was - I'd rather not be told anything.
Should they simply remind themselves, "It's the thought that counts!"?
Or should they call the "encourager" out on their falsity?
Even if one was to go with the former option, it is easy to dwell on the fact that the attempted encouragement was basically made up just because... it's the good, Christian thing to do.
If that's honestly the "truth" behind the encouragement - which, in this case, it obviously was - I'd rather not be told anything.
December 5, 2010
Drag
I'm at home.
Got here around noon:thirty on Friday.
Going back as late as I can on Monday. Which, unfortunately, won't be that late... I have work in the late afternoon, meaning I have to leave home around noon.
But really, I'd like to go back around 8 in the evening.
I have no desire to be at school.
No desire at all.
Two.
Two papers due this week.
Two tests to take this week.
Two weeks left.
One week of classes.
One week of finals.
[Six this semester, by the way...]
Gah.
Got here around noon:thirty on Friday.
Going back as late as I can on Monday. Which, unfortunately, won't be that late... I have work in the late afternoon, meaning I have to leave home around noon.
But really, I'd like to go back around 8 in the evening.
I have no desire to be at school.
No desire at all.
Two.
Two papers due this week.
Two tests to take this week.
Two weeks left.
One week of classes.
One week of finals.
[Six this semester, by the way...]
Gah.
December 1, 2010
... FAIL.
I am irritated.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Disappointed.
There is no discipleship WHATSOEVER at CCCB.
Awesome.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Disappointed.
There is no discipleship WHATSOEVER at CCCB.
Awesome.
November 17, 2010
Splash
This morning I tie-dyed t-shirts with the [freshmen] SALT group that I lead.
I love those three girls.
I am blessed in leading them each week.
So great.
And man... I really like tie-dye.
I love those three girls.
I am blessed in leading them each week.
So great.
And man... I really like tie-dye.
November 16, 2010
Countdowns and Prophetic Alerts!
David J. Hesselgrave, your book, Paradigms in Conflict, shall be the death of me. But at least now I have a list of all the twentieth century closure idea plans/slogans at my disposal [and you will, too, if you continue reading!].
Yet another reminder that our plans so often just... don't happen or work. Awesome.
1900 - "The evangelization of the world in this generation."
1910 - "The whole church taking the whole gospel the whole world."
1912 - "Reaching every home." Cardboard boxes in alleyways included.
1914 - "Inauguration of the kingdom of God on earth."
1929 - "Each one teach one."
1930 - "Bringing Christ to the nations."
1934 - "Evangelize to a finish to 'bring back the King.'"
1943 - "Into all the world."
1946 - "Complete Christ's Commission."
1956 - "The gospel to every creature." Don't forget the lemurs!
1957 - "Global conquest."
1959 - "Two thousand tongues to go."
1967 - "Crusade for world revival." A crusade? Maybe not the best choice of word... I mean, we all know how the last crusade[s] ended for Christians...
1974 - "Let the earth hear his voice."
1976 - "Bold Missions Thrust."
1980 - "A Church for Every People by the Year 2000." EPIC FAIL.
1984 - "Strategy to Every People."
1986 - "One million native missionaries."
1990 - "Decade of Evangelization."
1995 - "A Church for Every People and the Gospel for Every Person by A.D. 2000."
Yet another reminder that our plans so often just... don't happen or work. Awesome.
1900 - "The evangelization of the world in this generation."
1910 - "The whole church taking the whole gospel the whole world."
1912 - "Reaching every home." Cardboard boxes in alleyways included.
1914 - "Inauguration of the kingdom of God on earth."
1929 - "Each one teach one."
1930 - "Bringing Christ to the nations."
1934 - "Evangelize to a finish to 'bring back the King.'"
1943 - "Into all the world."
1946 - "Complete Christ's Commission."
1956 - "The gospel to every creature." Don't forget the lemurs!
1957 - "Global conquest."
1959 - "Two thousand tongues to go."
1967 - "Crusade for world revival." A crusade? Maybe not the best choice of word... I mean, we all know how the last crusade[s] ended for Christians...
1974 - "Let the earth hear his voice."
1976 - "Bold Missions Thrust."
1980 - "A Church for Every People by the Year 2000." EPIC FAIL.
1984 - "Strategy to Every People."
1986 - "One million native missionaries."
1990 - "Decade of Evangelization."
1995 - "A Church for Every People and the Gospel for Every Person by A.D. 2000."
November 13, 2010
November 9, 2010
Say what?!
This past Friday afternoon, I was at work, lifeguarding at the local YMCA. A man whom I had met last week came in to do some water-walking. And you know something? Before he left, he told me he could tell I was a Christian. I have never been told that before. Ever. Now, he did know that I go to Central Christian College of the Bible; we had had a short conversation prior to his saying that, and he had asked me where I go to school. Yet at the same time, I do feel that he was sincere in what he said, and that it was somewhat implied that he was able to "tell" before he knew anything about me. At least, that is what I want to believe.
Regardless... it made my heart happy.
Regardless... it made my heart happy.
October 21, 2010
CCCpellingB
Central Christian College of the Bible.
Controversy. Conflict. Whatever.
Many people have used Facebook to be their voice of concern, doubt, anger, etc.
Many people have written about the professors that are part of this issue, commenting on their favorite professor and what they love[d] about him.
Oh, such influence and impact they have had on "X".
Their lives have been changed!
And yet, probably three out of four times, these people have not even spelled the professors' names correctly.
Typos aside, of course...
It's just funny to me.
Controversy. Conflict. Whatever.
Many people have used Facebook to be their voice of concern, doubt, anger, etc.
Many people have written about the professors that are part of this issue, commenting on their favorite professor and what they love[d] about him.
Oh, such influence and impact they have had on "X".
Their lives have been changed!
And yet, probably three out of four times, these people have not even spelled the professors' names correctly.
Typos aside, of course...
It's just funny to me.
October 19, 2010
Jose Emanuel
Falsity.
Cowardice.
Two detestable characteristics.
I am at a Bible college.
Where are the people whose upstanding qualities include truthfulness and courage?
Does anyone know the definition of integrity?
... I am quick to say, "No."
Is that necessarily true? Again... "No."
But that is the first "answer" to come to mind.
What a shame.
I wish I had stayed in Utah.
Cowardice.
Two detestable characteristics.
I am at a Bible college.
Where are the people whose upstanding qualities include truthfulness and courage?
Does anyone know the definition of integrity?
... I am quick to say, "No."
Is that necessarily true? Again... "No."
But that is the first "answer" to come to mind.
What a shame.
I wish I had stayed in Utah.
October 18, 2010
Locus
Oh, what I would give to be back on the University of Utah campus in Salt Lake City.
... So that I may sit in one of MY secret places.
Five minutes... that's all I desire.
Five... five minutes... that's all I need.
I had about a dozen places of "refuge" around the U. Some indoor, some outdoor. None were better than another. They all provided me with quiet and peace, and offered an opportunity to rest in a true stillness, drawing near to God.
I have no place like that here.
And I hate it.
... So that I may sit in one of MY secret places.
Five minutes... that's all I desire.
Five... five minutes... that's all I need.
I had about a dozen places of "refuge" around the U. Some indoor, some outdoor. None were better than another. They all provided me with quiet and peace, and offered an opportunity to rest in a true stillness, drawing near to God.
I have no place like that here.
And I hate it.
October 16, 2010
Fade
I love fall.
I do not like the fact that it is a transition phase from summer to winter.
But what can I do?
Until I leave to a place where it is summer- or fall-like for most of the year... nothing.
I can do nothing.
That is, I can do nothing... I suppose... but embrace each day that God gives me with a thankful heart and open mind. And learn from my surroundings. And learn from the people that have seemingly haphazardly been placed in my life - whether I like it or not.
... Whether I like them or not.
Who am I to say whether my circumstances are "right or wrong"?
I do not like the fact that it is a transition phase from summer to winter.
But what can I do?
Until I leave to a place where it is summer- or fall-like for most of the year... nothing.
I can do nothing.
That is, I can do nothing... I suppose... but embrace each day that God gives me with a thankful heart and open mind. And learn from my surroundings. And learn from the people that have seemingly haphazardly been placed in my life - whether I like it or not.
... Whether I like them or not.
Who am I to say whether my circumstances are "right or wrong"?
October 14, 2010
My hand is up.
"All the single ladies..."
Oh, how truly ironic it is that I have this song stuck in my head.
So great.
Oh, how truly ironic it is that I have this song stuck in my head.
So great.
October 7, 2010
I gots mad skillz, yo.
Wow. Really?
[This correlates with my "Harvest of Hope" post in my other blog.]
Today some of what I said in response to "What is a harvest of hope?" was used by the chapel speaker. Cool. Except it was written in such a way that made me sound like an idiot, in my mind. Thankfully, my name was not used in any way, and technically there are only three people [including myself] who would know I was the one to say it. Maybe four, if the recorder told the chapel speaker who said what.
I know that it was hastily written... and thus more like a paraphrase of my response, really. But man oh man... I most certainly answered more eloquently than that which was written down may lead one to believe. I suppose the good thing that came from this is that it made me all the more thankful for the gifts of [formal] oral communication and especially writing, which my Lord God so graciously bestowed upon me.
Oh, how I despise the pride within me.
[This correlates with my "Harvest of Hope" post in my other blog.]
Today some of what I said in response to "What is a harvest of hope?" was used by the chapel speaker. Cool. Except it was written in such a way that made me sound like an idiot, in my mind. Thankfully, my name was not used in any way, and technically there are only three people [including myself] who would know I was the one to say it. Maybe four, if the recorder told the chapel speaker who said what.
I know that it was hastily written... and thus more like a paraphrase of my response, really. But man oh man... I most certainly answered more eloquently than that which was written down may lead one to believe. I suppose the good thing that came from this is that it made me all the more thankful for the gifts of [formal] oral communication and especially writing, which my Lord God so graciously bestowed upon me.
Oh, how I despise the pride within me.
October 6, 2010
COFFEEEEEE.
Well. Over the last hour and eighteen minutes, I have come to realize that it is kind of pointless to have a volunteer at the Harvest House in the morning from 6-8 if nobody knows that person can actually make coffee... and isn't just sitting behind the counter with all the lights on doing homework or something.
Awesome.
Until this is better advertised, I refuse to get up at 5:15 ever again.
Awesome.
Until this is better advertised, I refuse to get up at 5:15 ever again.
October 5, 2010
Scream
I am annoyed.
Irritated.
Frustrated.
I am sad.
Upset.
Disappointed.
And I am MAD.
For the first time since... I don't know when.
I mean, I can honestly say that I do not know the last time that I felt truly mad at or about someone/something. I think that people overuse that word because they do not know how to truly convey what they are feeling. It is easy to say you are mad, even when you are not... especially because it more often than not puts distance between yourself and others, which is usually a good thing when you are mad. At least that's what I desire when I experience such intense feelings.
Anyway.
Watch out, world.
I have no idea how long this will last or what will happen.
I think I will just let it run its course. I have no desire to try and make it just go away. I don't want to fully control it. I want to experience it. It's part of being human and I want to learn from these types of things.
Irritated.
Frustrated.
I am sad.
Upset.
Disappointed.
And I am MAD.
For the first time since... I don't know when.
I mean, I can honestly say that I do not know the last time that I felt truly mad at or about someone/something. I think that people overuse that word because they do not know how to truly convey what they are feeling. It is easy to say you are mad, even when you are not... especially because it more often than not puts distance between yourself and others, which is usually a good thing when you are mad. At least that's what I desire when I experience such intense feelings.
Anyway.
Watch out, world.
I have no idea how long this will last or what will happen.
I think I will just let it run its course. I have no desire to try and make it just go away. I don't want to fully control it. I want to experience it. It's part of being human and I want to learn from these types of things.
September 28, 2010
"Study buddies!!!"
It can be so difficult to do good and help others when a variety of distractions and frustration-inducing factors are being thrown at you from every direction. Even when one supposedly has a "good attitude and work ethic."
September 21, 2010
Items
As I said earlier today to a friend, I have two notable items to present:
"Item number A..."
Yes, I said that.
So.
Moving on.
Item number A:
Today was the last day of summer.
It was really warm... and thus, fitting.
Beautiful day, truly.
Item number B:
I am working on a most excellent, super duper secret surprise.
And I fear that I am not going to be able to work on my homework in an entirely proper fashion until I have finished said surprise. Which could very well take months. Oh dear.
"Item number A..."
Yes, I said that.
So.
Moving on.
Item number A:
Today was the last day of summer.
It was really warm... and thus, fitting.
Beautiful day, truly.
Item number B:
I am working on a most excellent, super duper secret surprise.
And I fear that I am not going to be able to work on my homework in an entirely proper fashion until I have finished said surprise. Which could very well take months. Oh dear.
September 13, 2010
Tender
Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms
Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,
which I gaze on so fondly today,
were to change by tomorrow, and fleet in my arms,
like fairy gifts fading away,
thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,
let thy loveliness fade as it will;
and around the dear ruin each wish of my heart
would entwine itself verdantly still.
It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,
and thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear,
that the fervor and faith of a soul may be known,
to which time will but make thee more dear!
No, the heart that has truly loved never forges,
but as truly loves on to the close,
as the sunflower turns on her god when he sets
the same look which she turned when he rose!
Thomas Moore
Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,
which I gaze on so fondly today,
were to change by tomorrow, and fleet in my arms,
like fairy gifts fading away,
thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,
let thy loveliness fade as it will;
and around the dear ruin each wish of my heart
would entwine itself verdantly still.
It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,
and thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear,
that the fervor and faith of a soul may be known,
to which time will but make thee more dear!
No, the heart that has truly loved never forges,
but as truly loves on to the close,
as the sunflower turns on her god when he sets
the same look which she turned when he rose!
Thomas Moore
September 11, 2010
September 1, 2010
Possession
"… he bound the strong man, when he cast out unclean spirits by his word: thus he wrested the sword out of the devil’s hand, that he might wrest the sceptre out of it."
[Matthew Henry]
[Matthew Henry]
August 31, 2010
Haikus
Haikus:
Five.
Seven.
Five.
I have come to love haikus.
Concise.
Intense.
Dramatic.
Hilarious.
No matter how it is written, I appreciate a good haiku.
Unless they rhyme.
Because they're not supposed to, technically...
... and it's irritating [to me] when they do.
Just sayin'.
But seriously.
Haikus are just so much fun.
Write one out today!
Five.
Seven.
Five.
I have come to love haikus.
Concise.
Intense.
Dramatic.
Hilarious.
No matter how it is written, I appreciate a good haiku.
Unless they rhyme.
Because they're not supposed to, technically...
... and it's irritating [to me] when they do.
Just sayin'.
But seriously.
Haikus are just so much fun.
Write one out today!
August 26, 2010
FALL 2010!
Well, I didn't drug myself to sleep... but I did end up going to bed around 9:45. That will, I'm sure, be the only time this semester/year I will be in bed before 10:00. It was pretty nice, but I ended up waking up really early [5:30] and couldn't fall back asleep... I was too excited!
I've been to almost all of my classes; I have one more today and tomorrow I'll go to one more class for the first time. Oh, and chapel, but that doesn't really count. So far I'm thinking I'll enjoy all my classes... just to varying degrees. Here's a curveball: the class I thought I would like least, may end up being one of my favorites; the class I thought I would like most may be one of my least favorites. Interesting, eh?
This semester I'm taking:
Old Testament Prophets
Theology of Missions
Advanced Communication: Lessons
Modern Church History
Life of Christ II
Advanced Biblical Theology
And of course, everybody's favorite: SALT [301]
I love my schedule.
I've been to almost all of my classes; I have one more today and tomorrow I'll go to one more class for the first time. Oh, and chapel, but that doesn't really count. So far I'm thinking I'll enjoy all my classes... just to varying degrees. Here's a curveball: the class I thought I would like least, may end up being one of my favorites; the class I thought I would like most may be one of my least favorites. Interesting, eh?
This semester I'm taking:
Old Testament Prophets
Theology of Missions
Advanced Communication: Lessons
Modern Church History
Life of Christ II
Advanced Biblical Theology
And of course, everybody's favorite: SALT [301]
I love my schedule.
August 25, 2010
Impatient
I'm sincerely thinking about drugging myself to sleep in a few hours.
I cannot wait for school to start tomorrow.
I'm glad I have an 8:00 class.
The rest of today is going to go by so slowly.
I cannot wait for school to start tomorrow.
I'm glad I have an 8:00 class.
The rest of today is going to go by so slowly.
August 21, 2010
dfajkoeuvkmz
Back and forth, back and forth.
I am so tired of not knowing what to do.
Or even think, practically.
Or feel.
I understand it's all part of being human.
And for most, this could be considered complicated.
Difficult.
Challenging.
That would be just fine with me.
The only thing is... this isn't complicated.
This isn't difficult.
Not for me, anyway.
It's just... confusing.
And I don't like that.
I appreciate clarity.
I feel like I've looked at this from all angles.
All facets have been observed, analyzed, and reviewed.
Multiple times, even.
Yet I can't seem to figure it out.
And I most certainly can't decide what I want to do.
Big surprise.
I am so tired of not knowing what to do.
Or even think, practically.
Or feel.
I understand it's all part of being human.
And for most, this could be considered complicated.
Difficult.
Challenging.
That would be just fine with me.
The only thing is... this isn't complicated.
This isn't difficult.
Not for me, anyway.
It's just... confusing.
And I don't like that.
I appreciate clarity.
I feel like I've looked at this from all angles.
All facets have been observed, analyzed, and reviewed.
Multiple times, even.
Yet I can't seem to figure it out.
And I most certainly can't decide what I want to do.
Big surprise.
August 11, 2010
August 8, 2010
"I'm a saint."
I go back to school in a couple weeks.
I'm stoked.
More than you will ever know.
Or could ever imagine, even.
That's all I've got.
I'm stoked.
More than you will ever know.
Or could ever imagine, even.
That's all I've got.
August 5, 2010
Smile
Ohhhh boy.
Literally, boy.
It's interesting how people can have an affect on you.
A desire to learn.
To adapt.
Sometimes even change.
In ways that are good.
Positive.
It's not forced.
Sweet, sweet time.
My time.
God's time.
Hand-in-hand, really.
It's good.
Just... good.
Literally, boy.
It's interesting how people can have an affect on you.
A desire to learn.
To adapt.
Sometimes even change.
In ways that are good.
Positive.
It's not forced.
Sweet, sweet time.
My time.
God's time.
Hand-in-hand, really.
It's good.
Just... good.
July 30, 2010
Different
I have painted my nails six times in my life. That I remember, at least... the last time was two days ago.
[Black. Why not?
My mom did, of course, call me a devil worshiper.
She was kidding.
But seriously.
Thanks, Mutti.]
The time before that was in ninth grade.
Oh, wait.
Tenth grade.
[Purple. With a hint of sparkle.]
Oh, ps: I really wish I was ambidextrous, let me tell you...
Anyway, I couldn't really tell you what happened. I just felt this great desire to paint my nails. So I did. I had to actually go out and buy nail polish. No big deal. But still. It was just... weird. I think, however, it was because I simply wanted something different. A change. Subtle. But desperately needed. Besides, I knew that if I didn't like it or want it anymore, I could just take it off. Easy.
I like that.
Retouch.
Redo.
Get rid of.
Change.
No consequences.
No regrets.
No tears.
Simple.
[Black. Why not?
My mom did, of course, call me a devil worshiper.
She was kidding.
But seriously.
Thanks, Mutti.]
The time before that was in ninth grade.
Oh, wait.
Tenth grade.
[Purple. With a hint of sparkle.]
Oh, ps: I really wish I was ambidextrous, let me tell you...
Anyway, I couldn't really tell you what happened. I just felt this great desire to paint my nails. So I did. I had to actually go out and buy nail polish. No big deal. But still. It was just... weird. I think, however, it was because I simply wanted something different. A change. Subtle. But desperately needed. Besides, I knew that if I didn't like it or want it anymore, I could just take it off. Easy.
I like that.
Retouch.
Redo.
Get rid of.
Change.
No consequences.
No regrets.
No tears.
Simple.
July 17, 2010
Wings
I am so ready to get out of here.
What a ridiculous summer.
You know how it's said that between the time you start high school and graduate college, you should have at least one AWESOME summer? Yeah. I've never had that. Boohiss. Whatever. I'm over it. I just have no one to talk to, so I'm letting it all out here. Is that sad, or what? I wasn't going to blog over the summer, but I couldn't help myself. Pathetic.
Three cheers for pity parties!
I just want to complain.
And yell.
And argue.
And tell people off.
But I can't.
And I hate that.
Can you say "heart issue"?
I wish I could fly.
What a ridiculous summer.
You know how it's said that between the time you start high school and graduate college, you should have at least one AWESOME summer? Yeah. I've never had that. Boohiss. Whatever. I'm over it. I just have no one to talk to, so I'm letting it all out here. Is that sad, or what? I wasn't going to blog over the summer, but I couldn't help myself. Pathetic.
Three cheers for pity parties!
I just want to complain.
And yell.
And argue.
And tell people off.
But I can't.
And I hate that.
Can you say "heart issue"?
I wish I could fly.
July 10, 2010
"I smell like FREEDOM."
Only one person will "get" my title for this post.
I like that.
......
Our minds are incredible.
Hey God... thank You.
......
Innocent.
Gentle.
[Perfect.]
Now?
Electric.
I like that.
......
Our minds are incredible.
Hey God... thank You.
......
Innocent.
Gentle.
[Perfect.]
Now?
Electric.
June 23, 2010
Sad
Oh, how I long for contact.
The physicality of relationships is important.
I don't mean this in the sense that people have to be touching.
There's something about simply being in someone's presence that can be good - or bad - for us.
Just think about it.
A goofy friend.
A friendly stranger.
A strange boss.
A bossy child.
A childish coworker.
Family.
Friends.
Acquaintances.
Authority figures.
The list goes on.
Being in the presence of these people will bring about emotions and feelings and thoughts that make us react in different ways. We will do and say things that we never thought we would do or say in front of "him". We will ask questions that make us seem bold... or stupid... to "her". We will be loud and obnoxious or quiet and shy for seemingly the first time in our entire lives around "them".
Why?
Well.
"It just depends."
But yes... contact is important.
And I don't have it.
At least not in the form I truly desire.
I feel like I have no one.
No one to feel stupid around.
No one to be loud and obnoxious or quiet and shy around.
No one to ask questions to.
No one to listen to.
No one to talk with.
I am surrounded by people at my places of work.
We have "discussion questions" to post and respond to for my classes.
I am so lonely.
Being in the presence of "these people" is, I'm sorry to say, a bad thing.
I do not want to be where I am.
I do not want to work or take classes.
I want to go... anywhere.
Anywhere but here.
I want to do... anything.
Anything but this.
But I can't.
I'm trapped.
The physicality of relationships is important.
I don't mean this in the sense that people have to be touching.
There's something about simply being in someone's presence that can be good - or bad - for us.
Just think about it.
A goofy friend.
A friendly stranger.
A strange boss.
A bossy child.
A childish coworker.
Family.
Friends.
Acquaintances.
Authority figures.
The list goes on.
Being in the presence of these people will bring about emotions and feelings and thoughts that make us react in different ways. We will do and say things that we never thought we would do or say in front of "him". We will ask questions that make us seem bold... or stupid... to "her". We will be loud and obnoxious or quiet and shy for seemingly the first time in our entire lives around "them".
Why?
Well.
"It just depends."
But yes... contact is important.
And I don't have it.
At least not in the form I truly desire.
I feel like I have no one.
No one to feel stupid around.
No one to be loud and obnoxious or quiet and shy around.
No one to ask questions to.
No one to listen to.
No one to talk with.
I am surrounded by people at my places of work.
We have "discussion questions" to post and respond to for my classes.
I am so lonely.
Being in the presence of "these people" is, I'm sorry to say, a bad thing.
I do not want to be where I am.
I do not want to work or take classes.
I want to go... anywhere.
Anywhere but here.
I want to do... anything.
Anything but this.
But I can't.
I'm trapped.
June 1, 2010
May 10, 2010
"21"
"Happy Birthday!" to me.
I have lived twenty-one years and approximately nine months. Fantastic. How am I celebrating? By taking a Restoration History final and studying for four other finals. It's truly the best route to take when it comes to celebrating. Three cheers!
I have lived twenty-one years and approximately nine months. Fantastic. How am I celebrating? By taking a Restoration History final and studying for four other finals. It's truly the best route to take when it comes to celebrating. Three cheers!
May 8, 2010
April 16, 2010
Wanted: Kansas
I feel like I am in the land of Oz.
I am not comparing myself to Dorothy.
... Those shoes were so ugly.
But I do feel like I am surrounded by Tin Men, Lions, and Scarecrows.
Not for the friends that they are to Dorothy.
But for what those three characters each lacked.
Oh, and the guy supposedly in charge? The Wizard?
Remember how he turned out to be a complete phony?
Yeah.
Multiple Wizards, really.
I have nothing else to say.
I am not comparing myself to Dorothy.
... Those shoes were so ugly.
But I do feel like I am surrounded by Tin Men, Lions, and Scarecrows.
Not for the friends that they are to Dorothy.
But for what those three characters each lacked.
Oh, and the guy supposedly in charge? The Wizard?
Remember how he turned out to be a complete phony?
Yeah.
Multiple Wizards, really.
I have nothing else to say.
April 4, 2010
March 29, 2010
Self-righteousness?
Wow.
People keep saying they care.
But they sure do have a funny way of showing it.
Cliché.
I don't care.
People keep saying they care.
But they sure do have a funny way of showing it.
Cliché.
I don't care.
March 23, 2010
Start
"... Let me forget the world and be swallowed up in a desire to glorify God."
- Henry Martyn
A beautiful journey.
- Henry Martyn
A beautiful journey.
March 17, 2010
"This is for you!"
You know life is good when you spend time making up wordless songs - most of which center around the same few notes - and just laugh over and over and over.
Beautiful.
Days later, I'm still laughing.
Beautiful.
Days later, I'm still laughing.
March 11, 2010
100
I love acing tests.
[Ohhh, pride. I love that, too.]
It makes up for... well... a lot.
It makes up for things like busywork.
- I thought I had already graduated from high school.
And required chapel attendance.
- I would go to chapel even if it were not required. But the fact that attendance is mandatory makes me want to not be there. Not to mention spring is well on its way and I love the ten-noon time frame of spring days... Just sayin'.
And limited places to study. Quiet areas.
- The library? Oh, I think you mean the on-campus zoo...
And constant gossip. My favorite is hearing it from the older [non-traditional] students.
- Grow up.
I'm done.
Wait.
And sporadic make out sessions in the Harvest House and Spurling lobby.
- Ew.
Now I'm done.
How many times do I say that it's easier to focus on the negative than the positive?
......
It's been in my system for a long time.
I needed to get it out.
I love my school.
I love my classes.
I love my peers.
But sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.
And then I remember why I'm here.
And a love song for my Lord God resonates in my mind and heart as He satisfies my hungry spirit with grace, peace, and joy.
Renewed.
The dust settles.
I can breathe again.
[Ohhh, pride. I love that, too.]
It makes up for... well... a lot.
It makes up for things like busywork.
- I thought I had already graduated from high school.
And required chapel attendance.
- I would go to chapel even if it were not required. But the fact that attendance is mandatory makes me want to not be there. Not to mention spring is well on its way and I love the ten-noon time frame of spring days... Just sayin'.
And limited places to study. Quiet areas.
- The library? Oh, I think you mean the on-campus zoo...
And constant gossip. My favorite is hearing it from the older [non-traditional] students.
- Grow up.
I'm done.
Wait.
And sporadic make out sessions in the Harvest House and Spurling lobby.
- Ew.
Now I'm done.
How many times do I say that it's easier to focus on the negative than the positive?
......
It's been in my system for a long time.
I needed to get it out.
I love my school.
I love my classes.
I love my peers.
But sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.
And then I remember why I'm here.
And a love song for my Lord God resonates in my mind and heart as He satisfies my hungry spirit with grace, peace, and joy.
Renewed.
The dust settles.
I can breathe again.
March 9, 2010
February 23, 2010
February 19, 2010
Love
Natalie is patient, Natalie is kind.
Natalie does not envy, Natalie does not boast, Natalie is not proud.
Natalie is not rude, Natalie is not self-seeking, Natalie is not easily angered, Natalie keeps no record of wrongs.
Natalie does no delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Natalie always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Natalie never fails.
[1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, based on me.]
... If only...
Natalie does not envy, Natalie does not boast, Natalie is not proud.
Natalie is not rude, Natalie is not self-seeking, Natalie is not easily angered, Natalie keeps no record of wrongs.
Natalie does no delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Natalie always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Natalie never fails.
[1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, based on me.]
... If only...
February 17, 2010
February 7, 2010
January 24, 2010
Wedding
My friend Lauren just asked me to be a replacement bridesmaid for her wedding in July. One of Lauren's friends gave her some big news and also announced that she may not even be in Missouri in July after all. So Lauren asked me to help her out and seriously...
... how could I say no?!
She is so sweet. And I love that she and Taylor love one another. Their marriage is going to be a beautiful journey.
Three cheers.
... how could I say no?!
She is so sweet. And I love that she and Taylor love one another. Their marriage is going to be a beautiful journey.
Three cheers.
January 22, 2010
Blinded
'Create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty,
let Your splendor flash with blinding light.'
[Five Iron Frenzy's Something Like Laughter]
The above verse comes from one of my favorite songs. It's been my... gosh, I don't know... mantra [for lack of a better word]? for the past year or so. I just think it's a great way to say that I do want to experience God's beauty and realize His greatness day after day. My Lord God has allowed me these things, by His grace and kindness. And not just once or twice. It is a constant in my life now, and I am so grateful for this. God's beauty surrounds me in the people and world He has created! Cliché? Perhaps. But it's how I feel and I'm not going to make excuses for my feelings. And God's splendor does flash with blinding light... if you take time to focus on the throne of God, you will understand. Yet through these flashes of 'blinding' light, my eyes have been opened to many things.
[His goodness.]
[His faithfulness.]
[His power.]
And to how greatly He loves me.
I am so blessed.
let Your splendor flash with blinding light.'
[Five Iron Frenzy's Something Like Laughter]
The above verse comes from one of my favorite songs. It's been my... gosh, I don't know... mantra [for lack of a better word]? for the past year or so. I just think it's a great way to say that I do want to experience God's beauty and realize His greatness day after day. My Lord God has allowed me these things, by His grace and kindness. And not just once or twice. It is a constant in my life now, and I am so grateful for this. God's beauty surrounds me in the people and world He has created! Cliché? Perhaps. But it's how I feel and I'm not going to make excuses for my feelings. And God's splendor does flash with blinding light... if you take time to focus on the throne of God, you will understand. Yet through these flashes of 'blinding' light, my eyes have been opened to many things.
[His goodness.]
[His faithfulness.]
[His power.]
And to how greatly He loves me.
I am so blessed.
January 19, 2010
Haze
I think we can read our Bibles and pray all we want, yet not truly experience God. We need to be intentional and actually think about what we're doing. A lack of focus means a lack of clarity.
Time to change that.
ENCOUNTER.
Time to change that.
ENCOUNTER.
January 1, 2010
December 21, 2009
December 15, 2009
Candy Canes
I mentioned this in my other blog, but...
I love candy canes.
I really do.
I don't know why.
I just do.
... I don't know if I even want to think about how many candy canes I've eaten in the past five days or so. Well. It's really probably not that many, if I stopped to think about how many I have, indeed, eaten. Maybe... nine? Ten? I mean, that's not terrible, I suppose.
But still.
I love candy canes more than I should.
Just saying.
I love candy canes.
I really do.
I don't know why.
I just do.
... I don't know if I even want to think about how many candy canes I've eaten in the past five days or so. Well. It's really probably not that many, if I stopped to think about how many I have, indeed, eaten. Maybe... nine? Ten? I mean, that's not terrible, I suppose.
But still.
I love candy canes more than I should.
Just saying.
December 12, 2009
S213
Out of the hospital and into a home.
All moved in and it feels so good.
Except for that stupid fridge.
Gahhh.
All moved in and it feels so good.
Except for that stupid fridge.
Gahhh.
December 10, 2009
Boo CCCB
"The church exists by mission, as fire exists by burning"?
Yeah.
Right.
Something great had better come out of these upcoming changes.
Yeah.
Right.
Something great had better come out of these upcoming changes.
December 1, 2009
More
I just spent two and a half days alone.
Bliss. Content.
Now there are people everywhere I turn.
I don't even have to see them - my ears suffice.
And I feel so lonely.
Two and a half days wasn't enough.
Bliss. Content.
Now there are people everywhere I turn.
I don't even have to see them - my ears suffice.
And I feel so lonely.
Two and a half days wasn't enough.
November 9, 2009
November 4, 2009
October 31, 2009
Halloween
Ahhh, yes... it's Halloween. Man. I've always had good memories of Halloween. I think it's ridiculous that people get into the whole "It's satanic!" issue and don't let their kids go trick-or-treating. Going door-to-door to receive candy is not a big deal. If you want to delve into the arguments of the 'holiday' deriving from witchery or dressing up as characters that have negative influence or whatever, so be it. But seriously. It's just for fun, my goodness. Give me a break. Whatever.
I hear my nephew, who is 17.5 months old, is getting dressed up as a jack-o-lantern [his name is Jack, haha]. Too cute.
So. In conclusion:
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
I hear my nephew, who is 17.5 months old, is getting dressed up as a jack-o-lantern [his name is Jack, haha]. Too cute.
So. In conclusion:
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
October 30, 2009
Ice Ice Baby
It's so cold in the room my Focused class is being held in... man.
I'm wearing jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and a sweatshirt.
It's not good enough.
My laptop is acting as a lap blanket, though. It helps.
But seriously.
Why is it so cold?
Central's air systems suck.
It's either too hot or too cold, all year.
Boooooo.
I've been in a very complaint-heavy mood lately.
I should probably try and change that... oh, hey Jesus! What up?
I'm wearing jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and a sweatshirt.
It's not good enough.
My laptop is acting as a lap blanket, though. It helps.
But seriously.
Why is it so cold?
Central's air systems suck.
It's either too hot or too cold, all year.
Boooooo.
I've been in a very complaint-heavy mood lately.
I should probably try and change that... oh, hey Jesus! What up?
October 22, 2009
Apathetic
I really dislike school right now.
The two classes I thought would be my favorites are my least favorites.
The "Central bubble" is really annoying.
People aren't real.
Teachers lecture just to hear themselves talk.
[Or they like to repeat everything my textbooks say... and that's it. Why bother going to class, if I do the assigned reading?]
I'm also pretty sure that they all got together while planning their courses and discussed how they could make the students' lives miserable by making everything due on the same days, and give tests throughout the same weeks.
NOT HELPING.
I've always loved school.
I've always loved learning.
So this is kind of a big deal.
Something is not right.
Last year I felt this way around March or so. It had been a good year up to that point, but I was feeling weighed down due to a few factors. I suppose that even though I say I'm a relatively stress-free person, I was stressed out quite often. I'm really not stressing out right now, though. I just feel so FRUSTRATED. And incredibly apathetic. So if it's only October, and I'm not even stressing out or anything... what's it going to be like in March this year? I don't even want to think about it.
I'm so ready to be done.
But even if I were to get my associate's, I would have to be here at least one more semester after this year. And I wouldn't know what to do afterward. Work? Raise support? Would a mission agency hire me without a bachelor's degree?
This is so ridiculous.
I want to graduate with a bachelor's. I want to be educated and well-equipped. I simply wish there was another way to do things. Apprenticeship. A prolonged internship. Something. Anything. Just... not school.
The two classes I thought would be my favorites are my least favorites.
The "Central bubble" is really annoying.
People aren't real.
Teachers lecture just to hear themselves talk.
[Or they like to repeat everything my textbooks say... and that's it. Why bother going to class, if I do the assigned reading?]
I'm also pretty sure that they all got together while planning their courses and discussed how they could make the students' lives miserable by making everything due on the same days, and give tests throughout the same weeks.
NOT HELPING.
I've always loved school.
I've always loved learning.
So this is kind of a big deal.
Something is not right.
Last year I felt this way around March or so. It had been a good year up to that point, but I was feeling weighed down due to a few factors. I suppose that even though I say I'm a relatively stress-free person, I was stressed out quite often. I'm really not stressing out right now, though. I just feel so FRUSTRATED. And incredibly apathetic. So if it's only October, and I'm not even stressing out or anything... what's it going to be like in March this year? I don't even want to think about it.
I'm so ready to be done.
But even if I were to get my associate's, I would have to be here at least one more semester after this year. And I wouldn't know what to do afterward. Work? Raise support? Would a mission agency hire me without a bachelor's degree?
This is so ridiculous.
I want to graduate with a bachelor's. I want to be educated and well-equipped. I simply wish there was another way to do things. Apprenticeship. A prolonged internship. Something. Anything. Just... not school.
October 20, 2009
October 17, 2009
Boo!
'Paranormal Activity' is ridiculous.
That's all I've got to say.
I like being scared.
A lot.
More than I should, really.
And truth be told, it wasn't that scary.
Just freaky.
But man.
It was ridiculous.
Lesson learned: Don't mess with a demon.
That's all I've got to say.
I like being scared.
A lot.
More than I should, really.
And truth be told, it wasn't that scary.
Just freaky.
But man.
It was ridiculous.
Lesson learned: Don't mess with a demon.
October 14, 2009
October 13, 2009
Blithe
The redhead was right.
[And no, not for once...]
I am happy.
It's a beautiful day.
And God is good.
[And no, not for once...]
I am happy.
It's a beautiful day.
And God is good.
October 6, 2009
The Day After
I love being onstage.
I don't like non-scripted things.
Impromptu?
The worst.
I like to prepare a lot, which we didn't do...
... partly on purpose.
So I don't feel like I did my best.
Even so.
I was so happy to be up there.
Still am.
Happy, I mean.
Six best minutes of the year thus far.
Just kidding.
But seriously.
Three cheers.
I don't like non-scripted things.
Impromptu?
The worst.
I like to prepare a lot, which we didn't do...
... partly on purpose.
So I don't feel like I did my best.
Even so.
I was so happy to be up there.
Still am.
Happy, I mean.
Six best minutes of the year thus far.
Just kidding.
But seriously.
Three cheers.
Butterflies
I was talking to a friend tonight.
I said I missed having butterflies.
In regards to being a bit nervous right before I go onstage...
... and then realizing that the butterflies quickly fade as I begin to perform.
And so I'm really happy right now that I have butterflies in my stomach right now; we're doing a skit tomorrow - it's actually kind of serious, and we've rehearsed it quite a bit - as opposed to the other skits I've done, which were mostly comedic and pretty much impromptu.
So it's true.
I've missed those butterflies.
Life is interesting right now.
I like it.
A lot.
I said I missed having butterflies.
In regards to being a bit nervous right before I go onstage...
... and then realizing that the butterflies quickly fade as I begin to perform.
And so I'm really happy right now that I have butterflies in my stomach right now; we're doing a skit tomorrow - it's actually kind of serious, and we've rehearsed it quite a bit - as opposed to the other skits I've done, which were mostly comedic and pretty much impromptu.
So it's true.
I've missed those butterflies.
Life is interesting right now.
I like it.
A lot.
September 30, 2009
Encouragement
The smallest bit of encouragement could mean the world to someone. Don't be afraid to reach out to people, even if it's with a simple smile. Oftentimes that's all it takes to brighten someone's day. I'm sure you've heard that many times before, but there's a reason why - it's true! Another thing: don't limit yourself to encouraging only people you know. If you observe or simply "get that vibe" that someone's not doing too great - be it a complete stranger, or a mere acquaintance - talk to them! Ask them how they're doing, or if there's something you can pray about. And who's to say that you should only try to encourage someone if they "need" it? If, at one point in time, you've heard them say something you really took to heart, or saw them do something that you appreciated for some reason, let them know! If you feel someone is doing a good job at something, speak your mind and tell them to keep it up.
Gah.
I don't feel the body of Christ is encouraging enough. To believers and non-believers alike. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough, or simply don't hear it going around, but I feel that the student body at my school is especially weak at doing this. I've been trying to jump start a movement in regards to encouragement, but sometimes I feel my efforts are in vain. People just keep it to themselves. It hasn't become a ripple effect... yet. Hopefully with consistency and perseverance, encouragement will start to become contagious.
Gah.
I don't feel the body of Christ is encouraging enough. To believers and non-believers alike. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough, or simply don't hear it going around, but I feel that the student body at my school is especially weak at doing this. I've been trying to jump start a movement in regards to encouragement, but sometimes I feel my efforts are in vain. People just keep it to themselves. It hasn't become a ripple effect... yet. Hopefully with consistency and perseverance, encouragement will start to become contagious.
September 28, 2009
Man...
... I couldn't help myself, I guess.
Except I decided that I'm only going to write in here when I feel like it.
Sporadic.
Excellent.
Except I decided that I'm only going to write in here when I feel like it.
Sporadic.
Excellent.
September 22, 2009
Finished?
Nine days.
A new record.
I really just don't have the time to keep up with two blogs on top of everything else I have going on. Maybe in a few weeks I'll come back to this, but until then... I simply plan on writing for my 'So Close' blog. Peace.
A new record.
I really just don't have the time to keep up with two blogs on top of everything else I have going on. Maybe in a few weeks I'll come back to this, but until then... I simply plan on writing for my 'So Close' blog. Peace.
September 14, 2009
Grateful
I spent the majority of the day [the hours I was awake, that is...] with my friend Brad. I had a good time. He's a lot of fun to be around. At one point during the day we had quite an adventure as we tried to find a party supply store in Columbia... oh man. I'm glad to be alive. Columbia is crazy. Anyway, yeah. It was good. The best part of the day was when we watched 'Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest' in Pelfrey. Oh. my. word. ! We hadn't seen the movie in probably ten years [or more!] and we both greatly appreciated it.
Seriously. The day had a lot of good moments to it.
And even though I had a phenomenal week, and an okay weekend, I really needed some good, old-fashioned laughter and fellowship. I'm really grateful for good friends like Brad.
Seriously. The day had a lot of good moments to it.
And even though I had a phenomenal week, and an okay weekend, I really needed some good, old-fashioned laughter and fellowship. I'm really grateful for good friends like Brad.
September 13, 2009
Wheat for sheep?
Another year at Central brings another year of playing Settlers of Catan with Jeremy, Dave, etc.
: )
Fantastic.
: )
Fantastic.
September 12, 2009
September 10, 2009
Rant
I'm a pretty quiet person.
I used to be extremely shy, and still can be at times, but not terribly.
I call myself an extroverted introvert.
I don't mind sitting by myself.
I don't always have to be talking to someone.
I don't feel the need to surround myself with handfuls of people, or even just one handful.
But don't ignore me when I make an effort to actually step outside of my comfort zone in getting to know you, after you approached me. When I attempt to make conversation, respond! Engage!
Don't just stand there.
Don't turn your back.
Don't say hi and then walk away, after being asked an investigative question.
Don't constantly look behind me or to the side.
Don't just smile and nod.
Don't simply hear me... listen.
My word.
Circumstances matter in this issue, sure.
I mean, I understand we're busy people, for example.
But when you're obviously just milling around because you don't have class, work, etc., and you're not talking with anyone or let others know that you're about to go do something or meet someone... don't assume that you will have no interaction with others. And when that happens, at least be cordial towards the other person. I really wouldn't think that's too much to hope for... I guess in this day and age, especially in regards to my generation, it is.
I apologize. My mistake.
Dang.
I'm done.
I used to be extremely shy, and still can be at times, but not terribly.
I call myself an extroverted introvert.
I don't mind sitting by myself.
I don't always have to be talking to someone.
I don't feel the need to surround myself with handfuls of people, or even just one handful.
But don't ignore me when I make an effort to actually step outside of my comfort zone in getting to know you, after you approached me. When I attempt to make conversation, respond! Engage!
Don't just stand there.
Don't turn your back.
Don't say hi and then walk away, after being asked an investigative question.
Don't constantly look behind me or to the side.
Don't just smile and nod.
Don't simply hear me... listen.
My word.
Circumstances matter in this issue, sure.
I mean, I understand we're busy people, for example.
But when you're obviously just milling around because you don't have class, work, etc., and you're not talking with anyone or let others know that you're about to go do something or meet someone... don't assume that you will have no interaction with others. And when that happens, at least be cordial towards the other person. I really wouldn't think that's too much to hope for... I guess in this day and age, especially in regards to my generation, it is.
I apologize. My mistake.
Dang.
I'm done.
September 9, 2009
Jokester
Today one of my classes was canceled. Which is why I'm writing this at 2:22 PM, and not sometime in the evening or whatever. Anyway, the teacher personally said so over the phone to me, and I was to tell the class. So I did. Nobody believed me! That's a lie. A few did. And they started packing up their things to get the heck outta there. But everybody else just stared at me with their mouths open. They thought I was playing a joke on them or something, and that I would leave, come back a few minutes later, and be all "Ha ha ha! Just kidding! He's right down the hall!" or something like that. Ridiculous. They had all started to turn their chairs around to mess with the teacher "when" he would "finally" walk in. I bet they were sad that their little idea was pointless to carry out. Oh well. I think it was probably a good five minutes or so before everybody left the room.
Honestly, though. Punks.
Honestly, though. Punks.
Humor
So it's nothing new, but I really enjoy spending time around people with good senses of humor.
I mean, come on... who doesn't?
But seriously.
I like the fact that there are different types of humor, even.
I think it makes life that much more interesting.
Can you imagine what the world would be like if people didn't have [different] personalities or senses of humor?
Man.
I don't want to attempt to imagine...
I mean, come on... who doesn't?
But seriously.
I like the fact that there are different types of humor, even.
I think it makes life that much more interesting.
Can you imagine what the world would be like if people didn't have [different] personalities or senses of humor?
Man.
I don't want to attempt to imagine...
September 7, 2009
September 6, 2009
Together
Ohhh my.
I love God.
He's really cool.
This weekend has been fantastic.
So much happened in so little time, and my mind is continuing to be blown away by the greatness of God and the way that He works things out in our lives.
Man oh man.
The year has finally truly begun.
Here we go!
I love God.
He's really cool.
This weekend has been fantastic.
So much happened in so little time, and my mind is continuing to be blown away by the greatness of God and the way that He works things out in our lives.
Man oh man.
The year has finally truly begun.
Here we go!
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