"Notes"

I just started going through my notebook to tear out the pages that do not contain any class notes - which are a lot. I like to doodle and write random things too greatly... Anyway, I found a few things I'd like to just copy down to keep for later.

20. January 2010:

'Natalie's Mix 7' on the iPod...
... made in the summer of 2005.
Lemon Lift in the chicken mug...
... decaf and a hint of sugar? Yes, please.
The WSC...
... friends in sight, yet quiet enough to be pleasant.
Thankfulness abounds...
... oh, to be content!

Simple pleasures - cliché? Perhaps. But these things are truly what I do appreciate in life. And it is a hope of mine that others are able to come to appreciate them, too.

Tired.
A bit anxious... strange, actually.
And yet I am happy.
I don't feel grouchy or impatient.
I don't feel disappointed or worried.

However, I can't seem to discern whether I am choosing to be like this, or if it is a plain reality, as a matter-of-fact. Is this my true nature, and yet I choose at other times to act in an opposing manner? Why am I having trouble figuring this out? Shouldn't I know myself well enough by now to recognize what is true of myself and what is not? For goodness' sake... peace, peace, Natalie. You know yourself better than you currently are thinking. There is no true need to ask questions, or - God forbid - worry. As long as I am [generally] striving to be the woman of God that He created me to be, I have nothing to fear. His presence in my life is ultimately what matters the most. My identity, as well, is in Christ. And through Him I will all the more understand myself, I believe.

......

23. January 2011:

Baptized.
One year.
One year of trials and triumphs.
One year of sorrows and joys.
One year of mistakes and learning.
One year fully alive in Christ.
Christ, my King.
Christ, my Lord.
Christ, my Savior.

Oh, to be free in the love of my God. I feel that people often take this beautiful blessing for granted. What a shame... We should capitalize on the fact that we have no chains to hold us down. What should we fear? Nothing. Who can cause us to fret? No one. The fear of God displaces all other fears. OR at least it should... so what holds us back? I mean, are we truly living the way that we should be? Do we fully meet God's expectations? Are we following His rules for holy living, as Paul iterated to the Colossians? Are we living a worshipful lifestyle? Do we offer up a pleasing sacrifice to Him through our consistent prayers and praises? We can always do more... always. He is so very worthy of honor and glory.

I am loved. So very, very loved. Now, while I "know" this is true - and do not doubt the fact - it is still good to remind myself, I feel. Not so much for vanity or pride's sake, but rather to simply help myself remember to count all my blessings, and thank my Lord God. He has done, is doing, and will do more than I deserve... for me. A sinner. And for all of man, truly. Sometimes I find myself pettily worrying that He doesn't know how thankful I truly am. But He's God! He knows my inner heart, soul, and mind. And I wonder if this lifetime holds enough time to spend thanking Him, anyway... I personally doubt it. Fortunately, I get to spend eternity praising Him - what an uplifting thought and realization!

......

26. January 2011:

Oh Lord God, how I do need You. You are the Sustainer of all things. And the fact that I only need to hunger and thirst after You astounds me. How can it be that I am able to find my identity in Christ alone? This is a blessing that I desire to take full advantage of. Show me, Lord God - teach me. Mold me to Your liking and help me to follow Your will for my life at all times. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.

......

27. January 2011:

Fear God... not people.
Love God... and people.

Is my body truly stronger than the spirit that my Lord God bestowed upon me? Will I honestly allow my flesh to overpower my convictions and beliefs? Satan is not going to have a stronghold in my life. He's simply not. Lord God, reign over my life with Your mighty hand. Give me strength and boldness. Love me so that I know how to love others. Provide me with an extra portion of patience. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.

......

30. January 2011:

There is a God.
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was born, crucified, and resurrected. He will return to us in the future.
The Holy Spirit dwells within the hearts of believers.
Baptism is a part of a complete faith, and commanded of us. Whether it is essential for salvation I am truly unsure... but doubtful.
Laws are in place under the ultimate authority of God. However, it is [seemingly] "up to us to decide" how we... choose... to view and follow them.
Passions and desires are instilled within us by God. And He desires to help us, guide us. He loves us.
Abilities, gifts, and skills are also given to us by God, as are opportunities to acquire... well... more.

Personally, I believe He has bestowed upon me the following [among a variety of other things]: mercy and compassion, hospitality, shepherding and teaching, language and communication, organization and administration.
God doesn't waste anything... [God's economy!]
I am a very passionate person. I can be very outgoing but also reserved, depending on the people I am around and situational circumstances. I also classify myself as an extroverted introvert. I am loyal. I am a realist. And both optimistic and pessimistic, though optimistic more so. I think I have a peace/safe affect on people. I care more for people than I [usually] let on.
I like to be led.
I like to help.
I like to be alone, but not ignored.
I like to listen, but sometimes need to be listened to.
I like to be asked thought-provoking questions.
I love being outdoors; nature draws me close to God and humbles me.
I don't mind saying that I am/was wrong about something. It's easy.
I rarely feel that I have to have the last word.
I have no idea what I'll end up doing - or "being" - in the future.
Sometimes I find myself doubting... myself. But I am quickly able to reassure myself - mostly because of my God, Who is so very good. Okay, more like entirely because of my God.
I am so glad that I am close with my [immediate] family - especially my mom. That mother-daughter relationship is incredibly important, I believe, and so I am grateful that we have a healthy relationship.
One of my favorite things is seeing God using everyday events with ordinary people to teach me something.

......

4. February 2011:

O God, MY God,
You hold my tiny life in Your hands. You know me better than I know myself. You placed passions into my heart that I continually discover, even now. So I ask, Lord God, that You would help me to discover Your purpose... Your purpose for my being here, Your purpose for Your children. I ask that You would show me plainly - through my peers, friends, teachers, family, Your word, etc. - what You desire of me, especially within this next year and a half. This summer... next year at school... after graduation... Close doors that I have [or plan to] set my foot into, if those paths are not part of the route You want me on. Guide me to a specific ministry opportunity that will spur me onwards to be part of a long-term ministry, perhaps. Lord God, bring into my life someone who can help me focus my skills and passions into a ministry. "Team" me up with others whom I can work with, either domestically or overseas. Keep me open. Keep me... flexible. Keep me calm, and without worry, anxiety, or stress. Let me disciple girls. Let me write. Let me minister to Muslims or international students. Place people in my path whom I know [by the prompting of the Holy Spirit] You want me to talk with. Help me listen. Spark a fire in my heart, my soul, and my very God-given spirit... and make it so intense that I cannot help but praise You and speak the Gospel. Help me love others the way You want me to. USE ME. Lord God, help me focus on prayer, especially for others. Develop the prayer warrior within me, and help me to allow Your Spirit rise up within me to intercede. Be a strong presence in my life; make Yourself known to those whom I am around and interact with. Shine, O God. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.

[Just a note: it was very interesting to read through this, because I realized that a few things from this particular prayer have been recently answered by God. Oh, how He is faithful... mmm. Thanks be to God.]

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6. February 2011:

Why is that we are so quick to gather and support and "praise" and reflect and analyze a sports team or two... discuss strategy and plays and players and history... and yet we aren't readily doing so in fellowship and worship to our Lord God? What a shame.

......

10. February 2011:

Make my soul come alive, O God!
Stir Your Spirit within me.
MOVE.

I still desire to encounter You.
Show Yourself to me in the small things.

......

12. February 2011:

[1 Corinthians 2:14]

Are the [spiritual] things from/of God foolish to you?
Maybe this is as good as it's going to get. We know - and believe - that God is the Father, His Son died for us, and the Holy Spirit lives inside of us. Perhaps that's all we really need. Love God, love people. That's all. But to answer questions and reach out to others, I feel that we truly do need to "know" more... doctrinal truths, apologetic defenses, the deeper things... so how do we gain a better understanding of them? Should we rely on what men have produced, believing the Spirit has helped them, and we don't "need" His [specific] help in these days? Or does He still give a special understanding to us these days... help us... if we ask for it? Or even if we don't ask... Does He give us clarity and understanding when it comes to His word, more specifically after we are baptized? Oh, controversy...

The Holy Spirit has convicted us.
We believe.
... Saved.
He dwells within us. Perhaps that is the major "help" that Jesus and Paul spoke of. We desire to live righteous and holy lives, repenting and making disciples. We read the word of God and have a general understanding. Jesus is our Bread and Water of Life. Sustainer. This makes sense. We have a personal relationship with Him. We know what that means and what it should generally look like. To those who don't know Jesus, or believe... "it" doesn't make sense. They misread things, they take stories and passages and verses and words out of context. They do not understand. That basic clarity is not there. Not until the Spirit "helps" them read into it and convicts them and makes things clear. He makes it click in their minds and in their hearts. Then He helps us to continue to live in Christ. Guides us. Helps us share our faith and our God. We will never fully understand anything. We simply must accept it.

Lord God,
I thank You for being the Ruler of all that You have created. I thank You for that which I do not understand, because it reminds me of how very small I am. But I seek to know more, and understand things that will help me share my faith and teach others about You. Lord God, I ask that You would give Your followers clarity in their reading of Your holy word. Let them draw the true meaning from what they read and hear. I ask that You would bestow the true gift of wisdom upon them. We desire to help Your children, Lord God, especially those who do not yet know You or have a relationship with You. Clear away any feelings of confusion or frustration. Do not let them feel lost or despaired. Help them, Spirit. Speak to them and reveal Your will for their lives, O God. Guide and direct them where You desire them to be, all the while molding and forming them to be the disciples You created them to be. Remind them to fully rely on You, trusting You like never before. Use them. Engage them in conversations with fellow believers so that they can all learn from one another... iron sharpens iron... Help them to focus on what is truly important, Lord God. You are just so good. Thank You for what You are doing in my life. Thank You for loving me. Help me to honestly love You more. Stir Your Spirit within me, and move my soul to worship You continuously. Let me - help me - walk in the Spirit, as I live by the Spirit. Shine on me, and through me. Direct the gazes of Your children to Your throne. I love You, Lord. I pray these things in Your Son's name. Amen.